My Name is Mom

Self Creation: Cultivating the Best in Who We Are

2010-09-06T15:50:00.005-04:00

"Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." ~John Barth

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting." ~William Shakespeare

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.” ~Tao Tzu

It's been quite some time since I last wrote in this blog. Life has been hectic but good in many ways.
3 teenage girls in the house, a big move, 3 jobs at the moment, and yes having a bit of fun, have all been distractions from writing. I have been doing a lot of deep introspection lately though, and now is the time to write all of this down and get it out of my system.

So I've been thinking about how we create who we are. How we have choices in our attitudes and in most things in our lives. Self creation can be defined in many ways and not all are new agey, feel goodie either. Webster's defines as "Created by one's self; not formed or constituted by another." That is the definition in simplest terms, however, in reality we are not formed or created without others. Others help shape and define who we are, but we have the ability to make the choices necessary to allow ourselves to be or not to be defined as such. As I tell my girls over and over, we have control over our thoughts, our actions and our attitudes. Some days I am better at leading by example than others, but what always pulls me out of a funk is that ultimate realization.

Lately I have been faced with again creating who I want to be. I have a fresh start here in a new home, in a relatively new to me city, new work and I am making new friends as a result. Who do I want to be in this chapter going forward? The answer is constantly in flux. Right now I wear several hats in my many roles both as a mother and in my various jobs as well as to my friends. I am different things to different people and I create the person I am out of a mixture of it all. Some times it can be quite freeing to play these different roles.

Other areas of my life where I technically should be able to create some times feels out of control. For instance, my relationship status as single or the amount of money I am currently making. Both are areas of my life that I would like to change & can change, but they feel as if they are at a standstill right now & I do feel as if both are out of my control for the time being. I am working on it, but I kind of feel like I am running in circles with it. The income issue is pressing as I am not making enough to make ends meet as it is, with what I have. The fact that my largest source of income is about to go away just adds to the stress. On the relationship side, I am trying to let go of some of that need and just see what happens and letting things happen as they need to. Not always easy considering I have a need for companionship and all that goes with it. What helps is to try to maintain a sense of gratitude for what I do have, and I have a lot. Cultivating the friendships and relationships that I have and come my way in the day to day. Like anyone else there are areas of my life that I would like to fill or improve upon.

I think most of us are in a quest to better ourselves and improve our lives. Growth is a natural process. Being open to growth and consciously seeking self growth may be a little less common though. Growth can be both painful and exhilarating. I've experienced it both ways and it seems to me in my experience when we aren't expecting growth is when it is can some times be the most painful.

Right now as my girls become young women, I am watching them both create themselves & I can see, on a daily basis, the creation that I (and their father both in his presence and his absence) helped inspire within them. It is so exciting to watch them unfold as blossoming adults.I am deeply amazed at myself and their father for what we have instilled, but I am doubly amazed their spirits and what they carry within them as humans. We created these people together, not only physically, but spiritually, mentally & emotionally. To think that when my oldest daughter was born, I didn't think I knew what to do, yet I am now watching the results of our efforts and am speechless.

Risk

2010-04-03T01:43:00.001-04:00

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair, We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical...You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." ~Ray Bradbury

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~Andre Gide

“It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” ~Seneca

“He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being.” ~Paul Tillich

"As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery.
We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace.
The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as
anger and attachment, fear and suspicion,
while love and compassion, a sense of universal responsibility
are the sources of peace and happiness." ~Dalai Lama

What is it about living that brings so much fear?

What is it about love that brings so much fear?

Buddhism teaches that it is our attachments that bring us suffering. Our attachments are fear based.

In her article Between Fear and Love is the Living Sonya Green writes, "Fear is imagination predicting the worst possible outcome. When the imagination is engaged in repetition and emotion, it becomes a belief. Our beliefs determine our actions and as the old saying goes, what you conceive and believe, you will achieve. For right or wrong, good or bad, this is the creative force within us all." She goes on to say, "Fear has many faces and most of those faces are in disguise. Fear can be so deceptive that we rarely recognize or define it, and therefore fail to challenge it when it sneaks up upon us in such an insidious way that it can paralyse, erode, control and ultimately destroy us. Fear is the most lethal weapon and the most toxic poison known to man. Fear is highly contagious and self destructive. Fear can be spread by word, suggestion, imagery, innuendo or intimidation." How true right?

Fear is what keeps us in dead end situations such as a job, a relationship, a hometown. Fear prevents us from pursuing our dreams or trying new things and it encourages us to blend in with the crowd rather than striking out on our own. How often have we heard someone on deaths door remark that they regretted not following their dreams?

I am thinking of examples from my own life. Lately what has been working for me is abandoning my fear...jumping in and swimming in life as it comes...there was a time that I remember in my life when I lived this way and it was not only productive, it was natural...I lost sight of that at some point and I think it was at about the same point that I became a mother...I began to over think life, I over thought pleasure, and to my dismay and frustration at the time, I was still the outcast in terms of the typical "stay at home mom", I nevertheless tried so hard to be my version of the "good wife & mom" and thought I'd some how blend in (I never did). Although I am still a mother to the fullest extent, I think perhaps I have re-discovered what it means to be ME too...me in the sense that I have always been me, and mom in the sense that I have always been mom....the me that runs with her gut and her creativity and everything that makes me who I am....

For so long I was living someone else's dream, I was supporting someone else's dream and goals, not mine. I was living the dream that I thought was maybe appropriate or respectable or "something"....but I see that I am respectable, and appropriate and intelligent and creative and all of that on my own...and yes I am also unconventional and yes I have my own version of the life that I want....and while it blurs the lines of the "normal", who cares...I am increasingly meeting people who share this perspective or at least close to that perspective and that's really all I'm looking for...I am done with over thinking life...we squeeze the joy out of our existence when we over think...I am now taking to heart all that I've been told over the years...I am running head long into the sun, and I am going to find all the joy there is around every corner...I think I have my power back...

I just took another leap and rented a house based on some savings and the prospect that the extra income I will need will soon come....I based the decision on a gut instinct, pure optimism and the knowledge of myself that I'll make it work...I didn't over think it...the whole process unfolded on its own...and it feels right some how...its a HUGE risk...but it feels right...

I see looking back that I have made so many risky and unconventional choices in my adult life and I don't regret any of them: running away to get married instead of the traditional route...homeschooling my kids, being the first of my friends to have a child, being a stay at home mom (when that wasn't the lucrative option), my laid back parenting practices, going back to grad school when I did, being a freelancer & piecing together an income, not wanting to be married to a job & creating a life style for pursuing our interests (freedom), etc...being a rebel is actually pretty "normal" for me...I see that I have taken leaps with so many aspects of my adult life...and dragged my kids, and anyone else who wanted to ride, along with me...I think overall though, its helped my girls to develop into some pretty mature, intelligent, creative and motivated young women...Some where along the way I jumped off the boat and swam for my life in order to LIVE and create a life for my girls that allowed growth and nurturing of our spirits...can I bottle it and sell it? I don't think I can....are there flaws in this plan? Of course! I expect life to be messy though...

How to Increase Self-Empowerment: http://energyfanatics.com/2010/01/06/how-to-increase-self-empowerment/

Bursting at the Seams!!!

2010-03-16T16:10:00.006-04:00

"Freedom from desire leads to inner peace." ~ Lao Tse

"Whenever you are sincerely pleased, you are nourished." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It's not the tragedies that kill us. It's the messes." ~ Dorothy Parker

"Let loose of what you can't control. Serenity will be yours." ~ Unknown

As strange as this sounds by the title, this episode of "My Name is Mom" is actually about peace. Imagine that. I am finding this whole blog writing business to be very therapeutic. This venue has given me an outlet to ponder and reflect on some aspects of life, motherhood, and my experiences, which I hope will in turn offer something of some sort to someone else down the road at some point.

So back to peace...lately, well at least for the past several days, I have had this pent up feeling of agitation, aggression, anger & restlessness, combined with a very strong apathetic attitude. It almost reminds me of feeling like a teenager again. I cannot seem to find an outlet for these range of feelings and it seems to me that there needs to be an outlet for them. I haven't been interested in doing many of the things that normally provide that outlet either. I want to feel peace again. Peaceful feelings, contentment, what have you, come and go for everyone, and we all find it in a variety of ways. Some times I find peace in a good laugh, or a good meal (eating one and cooking one), or a good conversation, a good glass of red wine, a nice walk in the woods or sitting by a lake or river, a good writing session, or a nice act of love...you get the point. Through all of this upheaval, I have found at least one of these good things to offer a sense of peace or contentment. Yet lately, none of that has either happened or made a dent when it has happened...and the pressure is building. Today I feel like I want to explode! I wonder when it will happen or how it will transpire...or if I can once again find a sense of peace before the exploding has a chance to happen.

How to find peace? It seems that the girls and I have gotten into a rut here where we live...little changes, little has changed. The weather has been unpleasant, experiences are humdrum, and our tempers have flared as our frustration levels rise. When those feelings have arisen, I have tried to remember Trungpa's words of wisdom when he writes,“Compassion automatically invites you to relate with people, because you no longer regard people as a drain on your energy.” In those moments that I can locate my compassion (and I have a lot of it), and transfer that compassion to someone else, I indeed do find momentary peace. I find peace occasionally when I am curious or learning, and I find it when I am trusting and going with the flow or in the company of like minded people...lately...the flow is dammed up & my energy levels are at their lowest. So, what to do? I want to go out and do some more experiencing of life in the coming days, weeks and months...I want to re-open that well...

I also decided that after joking that I was going to make wallpaper out of my rejection letters from the job hunt, that instead I would make wallpaper out of my vision for good things to come. Doing so gave me a sense of peace as well. Over a period of several days, I lovingly created the future I want, and can reasonably expect to get, in word and image. I found the most beautiful pictures (including pictures of myself and my girls) that I could summon, and I carefully hung them where I can see them well. In the process, I also created a very thorough budget to include the exact amount of income I need to bring in, in order for the girls and I to get the heck out of where we are, and move on in all the good ways. Seeing these things serve as a reminder to me that they are attainable.

My last post was about patience...I think peace also requires a level of patience...and right now, my level of peace is at about the same level as my patience...very, very low indeed...as always, I am working on it...

Waiting...

2010-03-13T21:23:00.005-05:00

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience." ~Unknown

“I've continued to recognize the power individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I've learned that the resources we need to turn our dreams into reality are within us, merely waiting for the day when we decide to wake up and claim our birthright.” ~ Anthony Robbins

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth." ~Ayn Rand

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

"The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." ~Bertrand Russell

Right now it feels like I am in a perpetual state of waiting...my life feels like it is in a holding pattern right now, and its becoming very suffocating...I was talking about this with a friend just the other day. She and her family were in a similar position several years ago...they lost everything, and had to live with the in-laws for quite some time (a lot longer than I can even imagine or even want to think about). She described her situation as "depressing & restricting" and a whole lot more. It was good to have some confirmation that I wasn't alone with those feelings, because to be honest, I was beginning to feel selfish for my feelings...to find out that they are normal, makes me feel a little better on the one hand...but there is still that nagging anxiousness to get on with things...find the income I need (getting closer), find a home for me and my girls to live in (I am looking at what is out there on a regular basis)...to move on with my life, to really live life, and discover what this chapter means for me...for a long while now, I have just been circling...

Right now I feel like so much wasted time is spent in WAITING...waiting, tapping my foot, looking at the clock....waiting for the effort I have expended to produce results...waiting for the heavens to open up and good things to happen for me and my girls. Its not as if I have been sitting idly by...i have taken action...I have worked so hard to try to make things better...to move forward and pull us out of this...I have examined my strategy, I have reconfigured my strategy, and still, I cannot figure out where this is coming from...My wheels are spinning...

This struggle reminds me of the old slapstick comedy routine, where the big bully puts his hand on the pip squeaks head as he struggles to punch the bully in the face. I am the pip squeak. Is fighting this battle the real problem? Should I just completely let go? I think I've already been punched in the face in the figurative sense, I certainly don't want to lie down and take it! How does one just "let go" when there is so much riding on my shoulders at the moment? How does one "let go" in a situation like this? Shouldn't there be a level of effort and "fight"? My patience is waning....is that the true lesson in this? Patience?

I am doing my best to allow this ride to take me some where...I haven't necessarily been resistant to it...I see that it is all happening for a reason. Joseph Campbell was right when he said, "We must let go of the life we have planned, in order to be ready for the life that is waiting for us." I am trying so hard to find the meaning in this, to learn the lessons, to make the most of it...to discover some hidden opportunity or skill or something...a gain of some sort...at the moment though, I am at a loss...something good has got to come of this some where...Right!?

Soul Mates?

2010-03-11T01:33:00.027-05:00

"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,

'Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need." ~Margaret Mead

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." ~Emily Kimbrough

"There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best."
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

"Assumptions are the termites of relationships." ~Henry Winkler

'I like her because she smiles at me and means it." ~Anonymous

So I've been contemplating the idea of the "soul mate"....what does that really mean? And what does it mean for me in particular...

At this point in my life, I still believe in passion, I still believe in that inexplicable capacity we humans have for love as well as romance...however, it seems to me that the point of all of it is to find that person that you find "comfort" with...and yes that comfort can have passion and romance...but essentially when you are in the company of a soul mate, you are both on the same page for so many things. the arrangement is such that you feel "at home" with each other...its like a mutually beneficial pairing, who meet in a beautiful place...and some times that place can be unexpected. I've found over the years that there have been a few of these special people in my life...some for long stretches of time, and there have been others who where in my life briefly. I am not entirely sure that there is ONE soul mate in our lives, but I do think they are few and far between...I honestly feel I've had a few appear in my own life, and I don't think I am an exception.

Recognizing that connection though might be rare, because I don't know how tuned in many of us are to our true connections to others. Finding that connection, I believe, takes an awareness of who we are, and recognizing that "other" in someone else who speaks to us. For me, it is a "touching", a touching of the spirit maybe, that I and the other person alone sense, but perhaps can't explain...and as I look back, I don't know that I've ever connected with the "conventional" match for me..and its not conscious...yet then again, I'm not an overly conventional girl on all levels...outwardly maybe, but inwardly not necessarily...I have a tendency to follow some gut cord that leads me in all sorts of directions, for better or worse...

Thomas Moore writes in his book Soul Mates,"A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life."

Another thought, not all of my soul mate connections have been romantic, some have been purely platonic in nature, but again a rare occurrence and again a comfort or an "at homeness" with the other person. I recall it being an immediate sense of "Hey I know you!". Intimacy has always been easy with those souls I've recognized.

Experience and maturity have taught me to fore go the doe eyed romanticism of early ideas of love and romance...hard lessons, but lessons nonetheless. My ideas of relationship have grown as I've grown, and that is as it should be. My ideas are also a lot less "conventional" than they have been in the past. What has me thinking about this topic? Some time spent reflecting on all of the people in my life who have made an impact in my experience of life in some way, for better or worse...and that led me to the people that have come and gone or still remain...but particularly those with whom I have had a soul connection of some sort with...there are few true soul mates that have crossed my path, but each time it happens I am again filled with wonder...

more to come on this...

Home (part 2)

2010-02-19T16:03:00.033-05:00

“He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” ~ Maya Angelou

“There is a magic in that little world, home; it is a mystic circle that surrounds comforts and virtues never known beyond its hallowed limits” ~ Robert Southey

"Peace - that was the other name for home." ~Kathleen Norris

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule." ~Frederick W. Robertson

So I woke this morning yet again realizing that yes, I am not in my own home, and am no closer than I was 5 months ago when this odyssey began. It's been over 6 months since we received the notice on the door that confirmed my suspicions, that the ex was not holding up his end of the child support agreement bargain...culminating in a double whammy after I had lost my job just a few months before that, and was then as now, severely underemployed. As of this writing, neither situation has improved. The upside is that being underemployed would not have allowed me to run a household much at all. Should we still be in the house, we would have a home, but we would be doing without a lot of the basics right now too. The other good thing, is that I have no debt whatsoever, other than my student loans from graduate school. However, as anyone might imagine, it was all traumatic nonetheless to lose both home and the main source of income within months of each other, while still trying to recover from the loss of a spouse. Out of both pride and philosophical abhorrence, I am not on any sort of government assistance at the moment, although I probably should be and know I could be. I am scrounging income where ever I can find it, stretching what I do have, and trying to make it all count, so that I can avoid that if at all possible. But it may have to come at some point. Right now we feel like mooches as it is living how we are right now. Its down right degrading to be in this position at all and I shouldn't be. Yet despite my best efforts, here we are. I now relate even more than I ever did to the clients I worked with when I was a social worker. I understand the feelings of despair and helplessness and hopelessness that go along with a situation like this. I understand the frustration and the guardedness. I am doing my best though to keep it in check and not let it get out of control. Maintaining a level head isn't always easy though...yet I think we have all done our best so far. We contribute what we can, but its never enough in our eyes, we always wish it could be more. We try SO hard to "be good", so we are shocked when we step on toes or are a bother in any way.

The circumstances in which I lost it all stinks to high heaven. At the time though, I still had hope that I would find SOME sort of solid income soon, and that it would "all work out"...and that at the least I would have a clean slate to start fresh with good things waiting around the corner. I actually thought we would just be here a short time, a month or 2 maybe (not 5 and counting), much less 9 months and counting without having replaced my income... I guess I do have a clean slate right? A clean slate with a ton of emotional baggage though. I guess its also true that we really don't learn life's lessons until we are looking at it backwards....so far though all I've learned from this experience is, you can't trust most people, don't take your income or your family for granted, a good home is the best place you can be so don't take it for granted either (and despite how hard you worked for it, it can be taken away from you much easier than you thought), being broke, alone and essentially homeless sucks, things don't always get better no matter how hard you try or how good of a person you are, and I definitely learned who my friends are (I knew who they were all along so that wasn't a big surprise.). Nothing I didn't already know though...

One thing my oldest daughter said today that stands out, is that now she appreciates her family even more because we are the only people who understand her, and won't judge her...we are the people who love her just as she is. A big statement for a teenager. I don't think those feelings would have been shared by my teenage self back in the day, much less expressed so openly. Have I learned anything else? I'll get back to you on that...

I am at a point right now that I am feeling increasingly antsy and agitated. Its beyond anger, its beyond acceptance, or depression, or mourning or any of the other stages of loss...its more of a feeling of being trapped. This feels like a prison sentence and I feel more and more desperate, and yes desperate to get out. Let me be clear, its not to say that I am being treated poorly by my hosts, or that I can't leave if I don't want to, that isn't the case. What it feels like right now that is so imprisoning, is that I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn, that it really isn't getting any better and I am trapped by my circumstances. Every time I make an effort to pick myself up and move forward to improve this situation, there is a wall, a metaphorical wall, that drops down and stops me in my tracks. I turn to try another direction and another wall. Nothing is getting better despite my best and continued efforts. I (and my girls) also feel like an outsider, with no safe space to call home that is my own (our own), that I can provide for my children and myself as "home". I don't have a place where we can "tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts...the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule" as the quote above so aptly captures. We had that just 5 months ago, now we are so vulnerable, so exposed and in such a weak position and there is a tremendous amount of guilt about that. I want to feel like a family again, and living as we do now, the girls and I agree, we don't feel whole like that right now. Its all about having our own space in order to feel "at home".

We spent about a week staying with a friend recently, and my oldest daughter remarked that she didn't exactly feel like a guest there because she is so used to feeling like a guest every day where we live now. She said she is a guest every where now, and there wasn't a distinction any more. Day to day we are invaders in someone else's version of "home", not our own. Despite the best efforts of all of us involved, "here" isn't our "home", the girls and I don't even call it "home", its where we are staying, its someone else's home, its where our stuff is.

Speaking of stuff...I miss my stuff. Everything I own is packed up some where...in a basement next door, in a barn outside, all over here in someone else's house...I feel like we are on an extended camp out in a home...I miss my own "stuff"! My cooking equipment, my office, my dishes, my artwork, my bed, my comfort, my colors, my smells, my things, my music, my routine, my schedule and rhythms, my privacy, my kids' things....these are some of the things that make a home "our home". Its all modest stuff, and some of its not even that great compared to what many have, but it's mine/ours nonetheless...and I miss it all...

For now, we are at the mercy of the kindness of others, and we are at the mercy of their own dysfunction (we all have our own), their lifestyle, their choices along the way, their moods, whims and struggles, their own way of being as a family...not ours. Its normal that it is that way, its just not always comfortable. We have very little say right now, and this has weakened us. We must behave, be polite, be accepting, smile, stay out of the way, take the brunt of others' resentment, act as scapegoat for unspoken things, acquiesce to others' perceptions & judgments, and pretend that all is OK, when it all certainly feels hopeless, miserable, sad, guilty keeps coming up, confining, frustrating and most definitely angry, within us...right now we don't feel like we can show any of those emotions or feelings...right now we all feel we must remain in a grateful state, despite what is thrown at us...is that fair? No, and no life isn't fair...but one can only take this level of continued, persistent and repeated injustice for so long. What should my next steps be? How do I defend and serve myself and my girls through this? Can we come through this unscathed? How do we deal with the ton of guilt we have right now just because we feel like a burden and in the way? Yes my girls have expressed guilt, the same guilt that I feel too. Is it healthy to have so much guilt? No. What issues are the girls going to have once we see ourselves through this?

The stress on all sides is starting to build, and I really don't know how to alleviate it right now...all we know to do is to stay out of the way and "be good" while remaining persistent...this has to turn around for the better soon...

Despite it all, the girls and I still try our best to make the most of each day, and appreciate each other more than ever. For now we are, as one of my daughters said today, trying to make good memories of bad times...

That Which Does Not Kill Me...

2010-02-06T11:44:00.021-05:00

“Adversity is a fact of life. It can't be controlled. What we can control is how we react to it.” ~Unknown

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.” ~Proverb

"Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable." ~ Voltaire

I have been contemplating a famous Nietzsche quote, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."...well, maybe, but that which does not kill us can also make us weaker too. I am thinking of chronic diseases, becoming disabled or...perhaps alone, underemployed and although not technically, but yes in a large sense, homeless, etc...

To find this quote useful to get us through tough times requires both hope and faith. It also requires courage, self confidence and a compassion (or love) of the self (and the other) in some way. This trite aphorism is seen more clearly, only when we can look back to see how far we've come, and how much we've endured. However it doesn't necessarily bring comfort while we are in it, and even less so when the tunnel is still dark. Some might tell me to just accept my situation as what it is and deal with it. That to me in a sense, implies giving up hope for better things. If having hope is useless, then should I continue to look for work? Job hunting, while exhausting and some times very ego crushing, is a hopeful act in and of itself.

Nietzsche also said, 'He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.' Again with the hope...that Nietzsche was a hopeful rascal wasn't he?

Admittedly, some days its very difficult to get out of bed and keep moving, but its the thin wisps of hope and a strong sense of love & duty (or the why), that keep me going most days....I do also realize that if I continue to dwell, and think too much about what all has happened (and in some cases what hasn't happened), that I can't put it all behind me and move forward. I think though, or at least its been my experience, that in actuality, it is far easier not to dwell, and to think less about all of that when things are in motion and moving forward, or at least on the way to improvement, rather than stagnating or getting worse as they have. I think its natural to look back on a better time (with sadness and with regret), when things are so drastically bleak in the present, and no signs of improvement are on the horizon. However, I again, must defer to Viktor Frankl...he writes that those in the concentration camps who did dwell on the past, and could not find any meaning in the present situation they found themselves in, were more likely to succumb to the concentration camp (i.e. giving up, death, depersonalization, cruelty, etc.) .

Finding meaning...that is what this blog is about...finding meaning in this situation that I and my children now find ourselves...The tricky part though, is in not allowing ourselves to become bitter...

I admire my oldest daughter for claiming that she sees this situation we are in as making her stronger....I am glad she can see it that way most days, but again a concern is that if this drags out for too much longer that she (or me, or any of my daughters) will become hardened and bitter. Becoming hardened translates to becoming rigid and less open to the sweetness life can bring. My very sensitive middle daughter has already given me reasons for concern...although I see glimmers of it, she barely resembles the same sunny girl she was just a few years ago...the pictures she takes of herself now are largely dark, and her levels of anxiety, apathy, depression and anger have skyrocketed. Yet when are away from the house and out and about or at another person's home she is for the most part, the bright sunny girl I remember. This has been difficult for her. She needs a lot of personal space, which she has very little of right now, and she is very sensitive to other people's emotions, but the perception of others seems to be, that she is a problem and anti-social because she holes up in her room most of the day and doesn't want to socialize much. My girls and I have been heart broken by all of this...and we will never be the same, but I need to at least prevent it from becoming any worse....in order to do that, I (we) must begin by having hope...

I have often thought of writing a chronological account of what all has happened so far, if nothing else for my own sake, to vomit it all out at once in a cleansing fury and be done with it...but what good would that do? Maybe, like Frankl, who is said to have written Man's Search for Meaning in 9 days, it would be cathartic. Each time I have tried to sit down and write it all out, I become very tired and overwhelmed...the thought of it is painful...reliving it, would it help? I don't know...instead, for now I write about finding meaning in all of this...and having hope that very soon our lives will change for the better, and that in turn, the tone of this blog changes to something more positive...

According to Frankl, there are three psychological reactions experienced by all of the concentration camp inmates to one degree or another: (1) shock during the initial admission phase to the camp, (2) apathy after becoming accustomed to camp existence, in which the inmate values only that which helps himself and his friends survive, and (3) reactions of depersonalization, moral deformity, bitterness, and disillusionment if he survives and is liberated.

Is that going to be us at stage 3 when things do recover, and our lives change for the better in our eyes? (notice I used the word 'when' instead of 'if').

Works to consider:

Man's Search for Meaning: A brief overview of the book

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

Depressive Realism

Phenomenology of Mood Disorders, Depressive Realism, and Existential: Part II. Models of Depression and Existential Psychotherapy

Woman as Warrior

2010-01-23T11:45:00.037-05:00

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” ~Sophia Loren

“Mothers are all slightly insane.” ~ J. D. Salinger

“A mother who is really a mother is never free.” ~ Honore de Balzac

I've noticed a theme lately & it all started with a few silly Facebook quizzes & a random game between friends. I participated in all of it purely for fun, without any expectations, just some bored entertainment. I don't take much stock in these, but I have to admit, the results were surprising, yet in a way not so much, so I decided to explore it a little further here. The theme I noticed emerging, were women warriors and women overcoming adversity to become better and stronger women.

More about the woman warrior:
The Woman Warrior "The portrayal of women warriors in literature and popular culture has been studied in literary, film, feminist and cultural studies. In fictional works, the character type often refers to a strong female personality, determined in pursuit of her goals and often eager to take on typical "man's work" like fighting wars or performing manual labour to accomplish those goals. The woman warrior has become a stock character, and stands in contrast to the "damsel in distress" archetype." (more to come here)

So as I sit and give this some thought, I am reminded of a period of time in my life during my 20's, in the years after my first daughter was born. I was fresh out of college with a degree from a Humanistic/Transpersonal Psychology department, and many, many credits from the Philosophy department as well. After being accepted to graduate school right out of college, I had abruptly left the program when my daughter was born, and still had pangs of regret for not finishing (fortunately I successfully fulfilled that goal later in my 30's in 2007). I was a voracious reader during that period, and I found myself gravitating toward a topic I had previously shunned, Women's Psychology. Giving birth and becoming a mother was a transformative experience for me, and having a daughter brought with it something else that I have yet to find words for. I will say with out a doubt, that it brought the warrior in me. Motherhood also brought about a sense of both empowerment and vulnerability. (more to come here)

A friend posted this article from the U.K. Telegraph today. The story is about a Spanish woman who went into a bar, poured gasoline all over a man and lit him on fire. The man it turns out, had raped her 13 year old daughter. The mother was acting in a primal way to protect her child, and seek revenge. A quote from the article describes the mother's demeanor, "As people rushed outside to escape the flames, she just looked at him, then turned and walked away." Granted, in this day and age, that type of retribution is considered unstable behavior, inappropriate & not to mention illegal, however, it is the feeling behind the action that is so primal and deep.
(More to come here)

Then there's my recent interest in self defense and weapons. I wrote about that not long ago, this need I have these days to armor and protect myself and my family...I have been through so much and lost so much in the past 3 or 4 years...there is a real fear of losing what little I still have, the most important thing of all, my family.

So, Some of my friends decided to have a day where we all posted pictures of our selves as a fictional character. Who was my fictional character? I chose the first one that popped in my head, Beatrix Kiddo, the main character in the Kill Bill series. Why? It's interesting. Aside from the theme of revenge and retribution, Beatrix was essentially a mother fighting for her daughter. Hmmmmm....

A few months' ago I took a quiz called "Which Greek God/Goddess are You?" Who did I get? Hera, Zeus' wife who gets revenge on her husband's many infidelities. She is also the goddess and protector of marriage, childbirth and women. Here is a little information about Hera. "In the Olympian pantheon of classical Greek Mythology, Hera was the wife and older sister of Zeus. Her chief function was as goddess of women, marriage & childbirth. In Roman mythology, Juno was the equivalent mythical character. The cow, and later, the peacock were sacred to her. Hera's mother was Rhea and her father, Cronus. Hera was known for her jealous and vengeful nature, most notably against Zeus's infidelities and resulting offspring, but also against mortals who crossed her, such as Pelias. More information about Hera can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hera

Last week, when I took a little quiz called, "Which Kick-Ass Woman from History are You?" I got Artemisia Gentileschi, the only known woman Renaissance artist. Here is what the results said about her, “There's nothing sadistic here, instead what strikes the most is the impassibility of the painter, who was even able to notice how the blood, spurting with violence, can decorate with two drops the central spurt! Incredible I tell you!” Sometimes lauded as the most (or ...only!) accomplished female painter of the Renaissance, Artemisia was raped by her professor as a teenager, then tortured at her own trial to corroborate her testimony. She is remembered for her realistic, violent paintings. You are known for your vengeful need to overcome opposition, to succeed if only to spite your adversaries. You are probably passionate about your creativity, and you rely on no man for the fulfilling things in your life. You will stop at nothing to empower yourself to pursue the things you love." Here is more information on Artemisia, http://www.artemisia-gentileschi.com/index.shtml

So one day, some time over the summer I think, I took a short quiz called, "Which Famous Painting are You?" I got a painting I was unfamiliar with, Kahlo's Las Dos Fridas . The brief description of this meaning reads like this, "This painting depicts the traditionally Mexican minded, traditionally Mexican dressed Frida hurt and exposed, sitting next to, and holding the right hand of the strong, independent, cosmopolitan Frida, who is obviously the protector of the weaker, more traditional Frida. The hearts of both Fridas are visible, and the heart of the traditional Frida is cut and torn open. The main artery, which comes from the torn heart down to the right hand of the traditional Frida, is severed. She uses surgical pincers to try to stem the flow of blood, yet it continues to drip down onto her white dress, forming an expanding crimson pool. The heart of the strong Frida, however, is fully intact and is feeding lifeblood through a connecting vein to the weaker, traditional Frida. What is it that has left the traditional Frida in such a wretched state, and more importantly, what is it that has allowed the strong Frida to remain not only unscathed, but in a position to feed and protect the other? Frida Kahlo existed in a society that taught her to desire to be a perfect mother and wife. The circumstances of her life, however, would never allow for that. Each person is affected by a lifetime of individual experiences. What an individual does with those experiences is a true indicator of character. Frida Kahlo is a perfect example of one’s life experiences being used to educate and strengthen an individual. She lived for only 47 hard, painful years, yet she proved herself a woman who would not live according to the social expectations of her time and culture. The strong Frida in Kahlo’s portrait The Two Fridas is the woman she became when she realized that her society's traditions and cultural expectations were unreachable and unrealistic. The traditional Frida in the portrait does not convey any physical disability. Instead, what is laid before the audience is a woman whose traditional clothes are torn and stained, her shattered heart exposed. What is seen is a woman beaten down by the life she was expected to live. The traditional Frida’s saving grace is that the strong Frida recognized these quixotic demands for what they were, and adjusted her life accordingly. What emerged is the Frida Kahlo that feminists have proudly been able to hold up as an icon of strength, leadership, and rugged individualism." http://www.smc.edu/voices/forerunner/fall2001/directories/focusonsmc/lasdosfridas.htm

I recently I took a quiz titled, "What Were You in a Past Life?" Here was my answer:
"What were you in a past life?" quiz and the result is You owned a bordello.
You were sassy, wise, sexy and knew how to keep both women and men happy. You loved making money. You were strong yet had a great heart. Everyone respected you and knew who was boss. You were also loved by all. In this life, you know what you want and you go get it. You are still sexy and money savvy." Again interesting results...

Influential works:

Joseph Campbell's works on mythology

Women who Run with the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Goddesses in Every Woman by Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD

The Alphabet versus the Goddess by Leonard Shlain

Gerda Lerner's works

The works of Simone deBeauvoir

The Value of Solitude

2010-01-16T18:29:00.034-05:00

"Be able to be alone. Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of thyself." ~Thomas Browne

"Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement." ~Alice Koller

"Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius." ~Edward Gibbon

"Cultivate solitude and quiet and a few sincere friends, rather than mob merriment, noise and thousands of nodding acquaintances." ~ William Powell

“I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind” ~
Albert Einstein

I always thought I was an extrovert, and in many ways I am...I consistently score as an ENFP on the Myers Briggs, but my situation has shown me that although I am outgoing and confident and enjoy socializing, I am very much an introvert, and I find that my children are as well...again, much more than I thought... we have discovered that we need regular sessions of solitude and meditation in order to recharge our batteries...just the other night we sat up late and we all talked about how exhausted we get if we spend too much time around others. I, and as I am learning, my girls, crave solitude much more than we thought. We came to this recent realization by living with another family....a wonderful, giving and kind family we have known for decades, but a family much more authentically extroverted family than our own...

I like this description I found of some of the nuances of the extrovert/introvert dichotomy: "An extrovert is a person who thinks in a way that centers on and around the object, the object being a task or a person. They feel the most energized through interactions with others and feel the most drained or down when they are alone. Unlike extroverts, introverts get their energy from themselves and are drained by people. An introvert is a person who thinks in a way that centers on his or her own feelings and thoughts about a situation. Introverts are energized by spending time on solitary activities and will find being around many people at once bothers them. Not all introverts are shy and mousy. Some can be assertive and socially confident, but prefer activities that involve inner experience and introspection. Other introverts have a lack of self-confidence when socializing with strangers."

Some people (extroverts in particular) don't understand us introverts, so here is my interpretation...we aren't anti-social or depressed (although I'll say in our household, we are definitely dealing with depression issues at the moment, given our situation and what all we've been through), its not that we don't like you, we aren't all necessarily "shy", and don't take it personally...we just like our alone time more often than some...we like to do our own things some times.

Given our current situation how are we dealing with this difference?

We have acquired a habit of staying up late (its about the only time its quiet), and "sleeping" late, although in reality we are usually just laying in bed (some times staying in bed and not having to talk to someone for a little longer is nice) and whereas before, we spent time at our house to have "family time", now we find ourselves leaving the house together to get family time.

We are mellow people, and we are used to having our own space, and plenty of room to be our own weird ourselves. The girls and I have increasingly talked about our need for solitude and quiet...we crave it. We have to find it where we can get it, whether its enjoying the solitude while driving, shutting the door in the bathroom for golden silent moments, leaving the house and going some where, or staying up late after everyone else has gone to bed...what have you. Its very much a type of survival, to prevent feeling smothered or overly stimulated.

When we had a home, we kept things pretty quiet and mellow. Our home was our oasis and our haven from the rest of the world. More often than not I saved Friday nights for my sacred bubble baths...the girls always knew not to bother me when that door was shut. I made this into a ritual, with candles and incense, a playlist of music created just for my baths, a nice glass of icy cold sparkling mineral water, as well as a bottle of whatever red wine. I could stay in there for long hours just spending time in my own little home spa...now I rarely if ever get that...

When we had a home, the girls would spend as much time alone as they wanted in their own space doing whatever struck their fancy, reading, being creative, playing guitar, doing school work, watching TV, talking on the phone to friends, surfing the internet...just being...I miss having a home of our own...

It's been a tough adjustment...and although we know our current situation is not ideal and is only temporary...it's still tough in the day to day. Its hard to put on a happy face every day and pretend everything is OK, when it's not...privacy and quiet are necessary decompression agents!

The girls and I recently had the opportunity to spend close to a week away from it all. The "break" was both good and bad for all of us. In our normal day-to-day, we are surrounded by others, there is noise, motion and activity, almost constantly...we haven't had the opportunity to process all of this and its definitely not something we wanted to begin with...Being away from it and having some much needed quiet time brought it all flooding back...we all realized that we are kind of like gypsies right now...no home of our own, no place to lay down our roots and rest for a while...we all know its an uphill battle from here to establish some normalcy again (not that we haven't tried to establish normalcy where we are now, its just harder.). All of it that I had tried to push aside just to get through this, came crashing in on my tired and broken self...so instead of truly enjoying myself in our time away, I spent it preoccupied and sad....

I'm still pondering this topic so its incomplete...but this is where i am with it so far....

Dreams I'll Never See

2010-01-03T22:34:00.032-05:00

“Now you know what they say about hopes. They’re what we cling to, when reality has left us nothing else.” ~ John Malkovich

“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.” ~Unknown

According to the Skeptics Dictionary the hypnagogic state is defined thus, "The hypnagogic state is that state between being awake and falling asleep. For some people, this is a time of visual and auditory hallucination."

My understanding of the hypnagogic state, is that it is a time during the sleep/wake cycle where we often gain the best insights into our daily lives, and it can be a creative vehicle for some.
So this morning as I lay in bed I had this occurrence as I drifted in and out of sleep while I tried to wake up and face the day:

I am in a cave and I am struggling to get out…I am on a path that leads outward and I am digging the path to get out using my bare hands, literally clawing my way out of the cave. Outward is sunny, with fresh air, green grass, rolling hills, birds and flowers…but the door out is blocked by a being, a beast or a mythical creature of some sort…I fight with all I have to get past the beast, I use all of my strength and skills, I try negotiating, I try physical strength, and anger, until finally I give up in the hopes that the beast will no longer see me as a threat (or perhaps feel sorry for me). I give up and lay down with a feeling of hopelessness. I begin to think that maybe I should just accept my situation as what is, and try to survive there and find what joy I can in that…all the while seeing the sunshine and rolling hills through the cracks and smelling the wisps of fresh air…but I can’t get out, the creature that is blocking my way is relentless….then it occurs to me, maybe this isn’t my path, or at least not my most productive or joyful path, maybe there is another way out …yet this path feels so worn and it feels like it’s mine…I finally realize that I have to find a new path…its going to take work, and I’m tired…but something tells me that this path won’t take as much work to get through…the dirt is softer here and its less resistant…maybe this is the way out? I awake and realize that in my real life, I have been clawing my way out of a “cave” for a few years…

What is this telling me? Is everything I’ve done to this point wrong? The wrong path? Is my struggle only a struggle if I stay on this path or fight this "fight" if you will? Why am I using my bare hands and not a tool of some sort?

What does the cave represent? My depression? My struggle? My point of view? My life path or my past?

What does the path or tunnel represent? How do I realistically change it?

More importantly what does this “outside” mean? What makes it so appealing? Why am I struggling to get there?

I have been thinking about this "dream" all day...

In my day to day, I feel like part of my life was stolen from me…just yanked out from underneath me…I am in a sort of daze right now, and its not helping to make the situation any better because I have lost focus and motivation...after losing my 15 year marriage to my husband's infidelity and substance abuse (not in my control), my main source of income due to our offices closing last spring (not in my control), and eventually my home this past fall due to someone else's (the ex) negligence (also not in my control), living with another family during the interim for the past few months and the stress that causes, the loss of self esteem and the shame I and the kids feel for all of this, accepting charity on occasion, and seeing little in child support over the past few months (not in my control either), and despite real and consistent as well as persistent effort to improve things, my income situation has only gotten steadily worse instead of better...how is it not possible to feel like a failure? Divorce/loss of a spouse, loss of income, loss of a home...each one of those individually ranks highly on the high stress list ...imagine losing ALL of that within a 3 year period? Its hard enough to get past one of those traumatic events, much less 3 that hit pretty much one after the other...

At first I tried to see some of this as an opportunity, a new beginning, and a clean slate...I was in short, optimistic that it would all turn out OK soon, and better things were surely on the horizon...as this drags on though, and things haven't gotten better, but in fact worse, the angrier & angrier I get, and that has led to the point where I am now...

I am definitely battling "for real" depression, and I am struggling in a seemingly never ending battle of getting knocked down every time I get up. I know that I have tried to make good decisions, I am a good person and I follow a very spiritual path, I don't hurt anyone, I'm smart & well educated, I don't break the law, I am open, loving and kind, and some times even funny. Normally I am very strong, positive, multi-talented and resilient, a well organized, go getter with goals and focus...now I feel so tiny and weak, and as this drags on, the weaker I feel...it took a lot of work to get to where I was in the first place, but the job ahead of me to rebuild my life and make a new start for me and my children seems so very overwhelming and monumental at the moment, the thought of it makes me want to cry and scream and rage; losing one thing after another has been devastating, or as my ex mother-in-law described it very recently, "a travesty"...it doesn't help that it seems daily I have more news of more crap being placed on me to deal with...some of it is just normal every day stuff, yet much of it seems too huge to cope with right now, and some of it is seemingly out of nowhere true bullshit that I just don't need and can't deal with on top of everything else. I sometimes wonder if I'm not living some crazy nightmare or someone else's bad karma. I don't have the strength to do it all right now...it's one thing after another, after another. Granted life is full of challenges and missteps, and I've always risen to the occasion to face them and deal with them head on...in essence I normally wear my big girl panties...but as I've been told recently by a very close friend, "You have been through more shit and had more shit thrown at you than anyone I've ever known"...and it just keeps coming. I've also been told by that same close friend, that many people in my situation would have resorted to some serious vices right about now, yet I don't. Why? Self respect and the need to be a good role model to my girls, it's expensive (in more ways than one), its not my style, and yes, I still have a glimmer of hope that things will turn around...succumbing to vices in my view, would be a giving up...

I have said before that I feel like I am paying for someone else's misdeeds...by proxy (and directly), so are my kids...

How did I end up here, and how can I change it, make it better, and make sure it never happens again???

I know all about how we create our own fortune and all that jazz, but I wonder about how much of this bad fortune I've actually created...most of this crap was out of my control, particularly the big stuff...and I also know that bad things happen to good people...I've tried to keep a good attitude about it all, but it is slowly wearing me down as the tunnel shows no signs of light at the moment. I do know that I have A LOT to be thankful for and I appreciate all of it every day: My 3 girls, our health, a roof over our heads (even if it is someone else's home), a car that runs, at least a small amount of income coming in, food to eat and the things we need, good friends and family...and at this point I have a very real fear of losing any or all of that as well...it is crazy making, absolutely crazy making...not to mention, it's an uphill battle I am tired of fighting...waaawaaawaaa...Am I a whiny baby? Maybe...but I think I have reason to whine, especially since I am actually trying to do something about it (and have since day one), and not sitting on my ass while it all happens around me...yet despite that, my situation continues to worsen...

I see my children suffer as result of all of this too. Not only have I been put through the wringer, they have as well. They've told me that they feel rejected by their formerly involved father, who now rarely sees them or contacts them and doesn't support them in the least. They feel anxious, sad and angry. This has been hugely stressful for them. Having had to deal with all of this right at their pre-teen and teen years, I think it definitely colors they way they see men, but it also dims the way they see life in general. I look at pictures taken of them a few years ago before all of this started, and I see bright optimistic smiles, recent pictures still show smiles, but they are less optimistic. All of my girls are suffering in their own ways, but virtually all of it is anxiety related (low levels of depression, OCD, hypochondria, anger). I am doing my best to support them through this and be a good role model, while I go through my own stuff, and some times that helps me keep things in perspective and reflect on my own thoughts about this. As always I put them first, and I have tried to make this as easy as I can for them. I don't sugar coat our situation, however, I also keep a lot of the worst from them and I try not to let them see me cry. That isn't to say its all seriousness and heavy all the time, we have found A LOT of humor in this, and its definitely brought us closer together rather tearing us apart...for that I am thankful too...but everyday there is a sort of heaviness that lurks around us. The heaviness is most definitely all that we've been through, where we are now, and this uncertainty about what could be next and if it will get better any time soon...

As I think I've mentioned, I am in survival mode and little else matters at this point...Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in action...Yet like Viktor Frankl, I am looking to find the meaning in all of this and to remain focused on being the best person I can be despite my shitty situation and finding the lesson to draw strength from...I am slowly gaining insight into the meaning of this dream and I hope that it helps me gain a helpful perspective on things...

In the mean time...Here are some of the lyrics to the song that inspired the title of this blog:

Dreams I'll Never See

Lyrics by Greg Allman

Just one more morning, I have to wake up with the blues
Pull myself outa bed, yeah, pull on my walkin' shoes
Climb up on a hilltop, baby, see what I can see, yeah
The whole world's fallin' down on me, right down in front of me

And I'm hung up upon dreams, I'm never gonna see yet
Lord help me, baby, dreams get the best of me yet

Pull myself together, gonna put on a new face, yeah
Gonna climb down from the hilltop, baby,
Lord, get back in the race

Cause I've got dreams, I've got my dreams
To remember the love we had
I got dreams, yeah I've got my dreams
To remember the love we had

Cause I'm hung up upon dreams, I'm never gonna see yet, not me
Lord, help me baby, dreams get the best of me yet

My 10,000 Hours

2009-12-12T15:04:00.010-05:00

"Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on." ~Samuel Butler

"Life must be understood backwards; but... it must be lived forward." ~Soren Kierkegaard

"All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on. It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out." ~Albert Camus

I liked this definition of a true expert found on a blog I came across recently:

"True Experts have two qualities. (1) They have learned a lot from experience. (2) This translates to a demonstrable ability to do something. Regarding (1): Experience can be educational … or it can not be. It’s educational when it consists of trying something, learning whether it worked, and trying something else, all in an environment where “what works” is fairly stable. "

For all it's faults, Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers has some interesting ideas. For one, the idea that we aren't solely a creation alone. Much of who we are and how we become successful are largely a result of the time and place in which we live. Most people who are successful in a given field have a "leg up" somewhere down the line. The other idea that struck me is the 10,0000 hour rule. Most people who become successful in a given field have become so by putting in roughly 10,000 hours into that area, whether it's studying it, practicing it, experimenting with it or doing it.

I was thinking about this and how it applies in my own life. What have I put roughly 10,000 hours into in my lifetime? Well, a few things actually and virtually none of them is likely to make me famous or bring me financial success. Sad huh? Well, not really, I'm pretty average and if I really wanted to be a known success in those areas I could, if I put in some additional hours and effort and focused on nothing but that. As an example, 2 areas where I can definitely say I've put in the hours are, cooking and being a mom. Although I love to cook, the thought of making a living from cooking makes me think I might not love cooking as much if I did. I've given thought to writing cookbooks, or going to culinary school and becoming a "professional" but really, cooking is an outlet for me, and not something I want as a career badly enough to put that type of focus on.

With parenting though its a little different and its very personal, yet I have definitely put in my 10,000 hours there too. When I first became a parent I didn't know a thing about even the most basic aspects of taking care of a child such as bathing a baby, nursing, or changing a diaper. I remember we actually celebrated not our daughter's first month of life, but actually keeping her alive for a month! We were young, but we weren't inept. Over time the parenting thing has been a series of trial and error learning opportunities that I have shared with my friends who are parents, and its made being a parent to multiple children a little easier. Yet, is parenting something I can call a "success"? It certainly won't bring me financial gain, unless I go the route of "expert" and write a book or give talks or workshops, but what would that say about me? How can I call myself an "expert" in something that is so deeply personal to every parent around the world? Focusing on being a parenting expert would also take away from my time as an actual parent. Do you see the incongruences there?

The bottom line is that I haven't found anything that I am willing to devote my time and energy to in order to become a "success" in the world, other than in a few things that bring me personal joy. I feel that if I were to devote those necessary hours in whatever field I felt drawn to, it would take away from some of the most important aspects of my life. Does that make sense? How to resolve such a dilemma?

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2009/11/how-to-discover-your-lifes-purpose-7.html

Kitten Mittons & Dayman (fighter of the Nightman)

2009-11-15T22:52:00.009-05:00

2 videos from one of my favorite shows at the moment: Its' Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Dayman - watch more funny videos

The Price of Strength

2009-11-15T18:47:00.008-05:00

For Strong Women

A strong woman is a woman who is straining
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing “Boris Godunov.”
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn’t mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren’t you feminine, why aren’t
you soft, why aren’t you quiet, why aren’t you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do somehing others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you’re so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.

–Marge Piercy

Today, I'm not feeling so well...my head hurts, my neck and shoulders ache, and I generally feel lousy. I am not sure where it's coming from, but as I sit and rest my body, my mind has had too much time to wander, and that isn't necessarily a good thing...maybe my body knows better than my stubborn mind...

Since we moved, I have been so busy, I haven't had the time to really take in our situation. I've kept a happy face on, and generally suppressed any negative thoughts. Even though our experience here has been very good, having this down time has brought a flood of unwelcome emotions and thoughts...I have put up my strong woman front to get through this, and now it is coming back to haunt me. I want to be weak some times, but I can't afford to...most days I think of nothing more than just getting through and doing my best...

Today though, like a ton of bricks, some things have finally hit me...So, I've been thinking about my loneliness, the upcoming holidays and not being in our own home celebrating our own way, not to mention the lack of a home of our own in general, the lack of solid income that can sustain us properly (or get us through the holidays), the fracturing of my family (If I am honest I'll admit that I miss my family being whole and I miss the larger context of the in-laws, and I miss being a whole unit), I also miss having a partner around helping to shoulder the load and get my back...I am a very family oriented person...a "nester" if you will. I just don't thrive on the single life as many who divorce do...

Reality is what it is though, and making the best of things is one of the things I do best...Okay, I feel much better now....my body, my mind and my spirit feel a little better now.

Sacred Silence

2009-11-11T17:38:00.008-05:00

“I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers”~
Kahlil Gibran

“There is no reply to the ignorant like keeping silence”

“Saying nothing...sometimes says the most.”~
Emily Dickinson

“Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods.”~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”~ Aldous Huxley

I found this meditation while stumbling and found it fitting with where I am right now..I could use some silence from time to time..there isn't much to be had these days and I have recently been reminded how essential it is on so many levels...I have provided a link to the original, but here it is.

SACRED SILENCE

"I know the sacred silence of my body: the secret movement of the hidden cells, the quiet working to renew the tissues' balance, the ceaseless ebb and flow within each artery and vein. I know the silence of the healing wound, the steady, quick replenishment of lost blood, the strange recuperative power of rest and recreation. I know the reproductive power of silent cells that constitute my body. Mysteries of cell division lie within the boundaries of this very body's skin. How silent the creative working of these cells before I left the womb. How silent is that working still.

I know the magic silence of a human mind. How marvelous its power of apprehending patterns of number from one unto sextillions; patterns of color amidst the blues and reds and golds; patterns of form in space from elementary particles to atoms, to metagalaxies and beyond. What hidden depths of silence dwell also within the memory of each of us. Persistently fragments of meaning are fitted into ever larger frames of understanding through miracles of memory. And no less magic is memory's creative foil, imagination, whose dreamtime and daylight task is new creation moving in silence. Imagination is the active silent mother of the arts, the father of discovery in the sciences. She I would celebrate as I reflect upon the mystery of the mind.

I know the depths of silence in the heart: the never uttered depths of love between two lovers or a husband and a wife, the speechless intimacy of a caress, the interweaving spell of friendship rooted in the act of being altogether for another and the faith restoring fact that someone else stands utterly for you. I know the silence of the heart when grief comes, when someone precious is no more and whoever is closest to the departed one is in need of solace. Words never stretch to that occasion, yet the sympathy of silence avails. Slowly the silence of heart is transmuted into the silence of the soul: a new relationship is formed which joins the person struck with grief in quiet confidence with the enduring essence of ongoing life.

How many are the moods of silence. Unutterable joy and unfathomable pain dwell together in this temple. Life moves between the silences of gestation and departure, longing and fulfillment, despair and exaltation, loneliness and experienced communion. Eternal contrasts live within the moods of silence. Out of her womb emerge the permanently great creations of the human soul. Into her presence we reverently leave the unanswerable questions which confront us, faithfully believing that we can know whatever may be needed in due time.

There is a time for silence and a time for speech, a time for sleeping and a time for reawakening, a time for relaxation as well as a time for action. In the time which is given to silence, we can allow the universe to flow into our own existence. We can become immediately aware of the eons of life which participate in our own. An act of reappraisal very likely may occur. Through the widening of our levels of appreciative awareness, we slough off habits which are hindering our growth. Insight into the true meaning of one's life and the purposes of one's life break into consciousness. In sacred silence reevaluation proceeds with power. No longer are the urgent interests of the moment paramount. Pursuit of the larger goods, the truly self-fulfilling goods, is eagerly undertaken. Fresh relation to reality takes place. Inner clefts are healed. Silence: what a force of creative integration, whose sacred fruit is never less than all pervasive reverence for Life.

There is a time for silence and a time for speech."

Keeping the Light On: Resilience & Maintaining a Sense of Humor

2009-10-17T16:05:00.021-04:00

“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.” ~Bill Cosby

“Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.” ~Bob Newhart

“Humor prevents one from becoming a tragic figure even though he / she is involved in tragic events.” ~E. T. Eberhart

It's been a while since I have written. To be honest I haven't felt inspired enough to write as often, given that I have had to deal with basic survival for a while. Life in my world has been less than boring, in fact it's been down right challenging, yet we have also managed to keep it light, and we have had some happy times and new experiences too. So overall it hasn't been what I would call terrible. I have been thinking the past few days, and I've been thinking in particular about how I and my girls deal with these challenges. I have found that humor goes a long way. We have found the humor in our situation, and we continue to find humor everyday. We actually laugh together everyday and often. I don't think I (or my family) could survive without humor...for me I think it reflects the fact that I (and my girls) can step outside of our situation and see it from above as an observer of some sort. I also feel it is definitely a defense of some sort too, and it's definitely been a life saver. That's not to say that I haven't felt sorry for myself, or felt angry at any given point, but the main thing is, is that I haven't given up and I won't let my girls do that either. I think we are showing ourselves to be surprisingly resilient, and humor is one way we are coming through this. We can call it tragic optimism as Viktor Frankl terms it.

Our situation is a temporary situation, and perhaps the humor that we let through may be in some way a sign of hope. We are all trying to find meaning in this...the lesson that we are each to take with us. As my oldest daughter heroically said, when we were moving out of our home that had been lost through someone else's irresponsibility, "If I can make it through this, then I know I can make it through anything". We all agree this is the toughest thing we have been through to date...

Another side of me has also come out too. It struck me a few weeks ago. I found myself spending time at the shooting range nearby as a result of my new found interest in weapons....guns, knives, self defense, anything really that can knock someone down and take them down a peg or 2, has become something I want to explore further and learn to do in some form or fashion. Fortunately I have had just such opportunities in the environment where I find myself currently living, and it's been very empowering. I wondered about it though. "Is it age or rage?", I asked my friend. She said it's probably a little of both, and we laughed because its probably true. It's not as though I want to go out and hunt someone down and do them in, or go on a spree of Kill Bill violence and revenge. That is definitely not the case. What it seems to be for me, is a type of defense, or armoring, or a feeling of needing to defend myself and my family to a greater degree than I have had to do in the past. I have literally lost almost everything I have through circumstances that were completely beyond my control. I get the impression that I want a little more control from now on, and defending myself, literally, at this point is how it is coming through. I am learning to physically defend what is near and dear to me these days. However, I think this might just be the primal steps in a much longer and deeper process though.

I have been reminded almost daily what it means to rise above our circumstances rather than succumbing to them. On a whim, and I am finding that I am doing lots of little things on a whim these days, I stopped and saw some friends on my way home from teaching classes the other day. I was grateful in more ways than one that I had taken the time to make this detour. I knew that one of my friends was going through a strikingly similarly tough time as I have been, a situation that came up for her late last winter. I had been going through my mess for a couple of years, and I tried to reach out to her as someone who has been there and still struggling; but somewhere along the way we lost touch over the summer. I think life took over for both of us. She was out running an errand for the school when I stopped by, so I had a chance to catch up on where things were with her through talking with others we knew who were there. I learned several things, both through her when she arrived, and through our mutual friends whom I talked to while I waited. It turns out, her oldest daughter was using a long time illness she has had, as well as her father leaving, as what appeared to be a crutch or an excuse to spiral or give in. In the past several months she has spiraled downward to depths that some felt she needed to checked in to an inpatient program or more. She had run away from home and returned, become sexually promiscuous and heavily involved in the illicit drug culture (after months of prescription medication for her illness). The daughter was actually there the day I dropped by, and I just felt so much sadness when I saw her. I have known this girl since she was very young, and seeing her as she is now was such a drastic difference. Seeing what her mother, my friend, was dealing with, how their lives had changed and just taken such a downward turn, well, it brought up several things at once. Primarily though, I left feeling how grateful I am for what I do have. How did she and the family become this way so very quickly? I was both saddened and concerned...

I talked to my girls about what I saw going on with this family. My oldest daughter made me proud, and my conversation with her, at least let me know that I, and my attempts to surround her and her sisters, with positive people, and positive situations, although not perfect, have had at least some sort of positive influence on them. My daughter said very clearly that she can't imagine not doing her best, or rising above things. She and this girl had been friends in their younger days, but had drifted apart once they reached high school. We had already seen some of the beginnings of the spiral at the end of last school year and had discussed it then. Who knew it gotten to this point? Giving that update, and seeing her reaction, given where we ourselves are right now, was really eye opening in terms of what my oldest daughter at least is thinking and what kind of person she is becoming. It also let me know that the role modeling she has had over the years was at least some what effective.

I also thought about Viktor Frankl. Man's Search for Meaning...one of my favorite books of all time. Taking from that, I have tried to live by the philosophy that, rising above our circumstances, rather than succumbing to them makes us truly a hero. It seems also though that Frankl's book, along with many other things, including my upbringing (my mom's family in particular) sowed those seeds within me. My family is of strong Scottish stock...you didn't make excuses, you just always did the best you could. I have also tried to share that outlook with my girls. "How is it possible to say yes to life in spite of all of that? How, to pose the question differently , can life retain its potential meaning in spite of its tragic aspects?" The last thing I, or my children want is to be is a tragic character, even though we may be living through what some might describe as tragic events. Frankl speaks of "tragic "optimism", or remaining optimistic in the face of tragedy....and that is where the humor comes in.

Defenses...

Gauging Success and Failure....The Unanswered Knock on Opportunity's Door...

2009-08-26T23:24:00.039-04:00

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." ~ Lewis Carroll

"The true hero is flawed. The true test of a champion is not whether he can triumph, but whether he can overcome obstacles-preferably of his own making-in order to triumph. A hero without a flaw is of no interest to an audience or to the universe, which after all, is based on conflict and opposition, the irresistible force meeting the unmovable object..."~ Enzo (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

"He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction." Bessie Stanley [published 11/30/1905 in the Lincoln (Kansas) Sentinel - an adaptation of this is often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, though nothing like it has been found in his writings.]

"Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know." ~William Saroyan

Right now I have to admit, I feel like a failure...OK well, I know I am not a complete failure...yet at some level...I am...that level is that of bread winner, provider, financial success...etc....If I were to be judged as successful on those terms...yes, I am a complete and utter failure...

I am close to broke at the moment. I have some, but in reality, very little income at this point and unless something changes very soon, I am about to be pretty much homeless...

However, when we judge success by those who love us, those who think highly of our character and person, and by how many people we have touched and served and made laugh....well then I am a HUGE success...I would be a celebrity if I were judged on those terms alone...

Despite my positive outlook, I have had some really low days lately as I seek a way to make our transition as easy as possible...yet, despite my attempts, it's 2 steps forward and 3 steps back...I have an impressive resume, I have years of experience and a solid education...yet good work is so hard to find right now...I find job postings for work that expect a high level of skill and experience, but want to pay the least amount possible. Or I see work that wants ridiculous amounts of certifications or licensure or some "something" that in spite of my years of experience, I don't possess at the level that is wanted....

I am scared, and angry and anxious and very preoccupied right now...my mind is distracted with basic survival concerns and transitional concerns, along with trying to be the best mom that I can be...primarily my concern is to my children and insuring that our needs are met...quite honestly all I really want to be right now is to be their mom...It's Maslow's hierarchy of needs in action. There are so many thoughts right now...I am finding that my level of focus on non-essential tasks and work is scattered. I just don't care about much else other than taking care of the girls, finding more work and figuring out what to do next to keep a roof over our heads....everything else is on auto pilot. I am noticing that I am not performing at the jobs that I do have at my best, or at the the best levels of professionalism or productivity that I normally do...thus jeopardizing that. Taking on any new challenges (thus growth in a sense) is not an option right now until we have our essential needs of shelter and increased income taken care of. After that, but not before, I can reflect back, and learn the lessons, and take on as many new challenges as I want. Part of the anxiety is the unknown...

We are in limbo...a holding pattern. The girls were planning to get involved with a variety of extra-curricular activities this year. My oldest was looking for part time work as well as some volunteer opportunities too. Because we don't know where we will be, or how long we will be here, well, they can't do much of anything...and neither can I. It has been another huge disappointment in that way as well. Stagnation...lack of growth...all part of this upheaval...but I suppose when we get through this and look back, we will see ourselves as having grown and we will have learned many lessons...it's going to be a big growth spurt after this is all over I'm sure.

I have had to console my girls in various ways over the past month...last night my oldest broke down in tears over the stress that this is causing all of us, my middle daughter is shutting down emotionally while also showing some of the anxiety based behavior she had when all of this with her father started 3 years ago. My youngest goes between anger and tears while she tries to be normal in between. We are all trying to find some normalcy in this. Normal reactions to abnormal situations...

I am also finding that I am having to share my personal business after making these types of blunders, so that those I regularly work with, and have contact with know why and don't judge me. It's awful. I am a private person, so close friends, relatives and co-workers have had to drag this information out of me so they can help and understand. In an effort to help me further, that information has been spread around by those who care about me and the girls, to others who also care about us, so that more and more people know...while it's touching, and uplifting, it's also humiliating and embarrassing...and as I get more desperate to figure out what's next, I may have to share even more...

Maybe somewhere along the way this will motivate me to create or discover some masterpiece within me...I can't help but think of J.K. Rowling who was an out of work single mother, living on the dole when she wrote Harry Potter. While I'm not on the dole at this point, I am definitely pretty close to being as low as I can get economically...

In my job search, I have to keep in mind that I have to make the income that 2 people would normally bring in nowadays...because after all, it's just me (1 adult) in charge of a family of 4, rather than a "normal" 2 income family...when there were 2 parents here, I always brought in some sort of part time income...in addition to the primary income that the ex brought in...and we needed every bit of it to keep on top of it all. Yes, we absolutely made certain sacrifices that came along with 3 children too. Quite frankly, the numbers didn't add up for me to work full time with 3 young children to raise, and we BOTH agreed that we didn't want our kids in day care. So, I stuck to part time work, whether it was babysitting, selling my crafts, making ear candles or managing membership associations, virtual offices or events, or doing in home parent education for mental health agencies, or even volunteering to keep active and my resume up to date, whatever I could do, I did it. In addition, I handled almost everything having to do with our home and our family, and because I was under the impression that we were a team, I also handled many of the details of the ex's personal and professional pursuits. Regardless, I always worked in some form or fashion to help out, partially because we needed the income, and partially because an essential part of my character is to be productive. Now, despite having shed some expenses and some level of responsibilities, I still have to bring it ALL in alone and try to maintain...AND do all that both parents do in addition to that... it isn't easy...it wears me out...and some days it brings me down to levels I don't like one bit...but maybe...hopefully...it will make me, (and the girls) stronger in the end...when ever that is.

Here is an example of what I, and many others who are looking for work are dealing with. In talking to a friend who is president of a local cultural arts center he said they had an entry level position available as an administrative assistant. The job pays around $28k a year (very low). He said they had over 200 people apply for the job. Some of the candidates were PhD's, Master's degree recipients, people with high level experience behind them. Ultimately they had to cull those who were over qualified and stick to the people who were "in range" of the job. The person in charge of hiring didn't want to hire anyone with too much experience, because she was afraid the employee would try to mold the job around their experience, while the arts center in turn, wanted to mold the employee around the job...thus again eliminating anyone like me.

I am over 40, I have about 20 years of general experience in about 3 or 4 different fields, and I have a Master's degree...and in this economy, much of that is a hindrance, especially the age factor. From what I have seen in my job search, handfuls of certifications, medical, clinical or educational licenses, technical skills, or very high level or narrowly specific or specialized experience, are in demand right now. I have actually seen many jobs for people like me, with MA degree and relevant experience, that only want to pay around 30 or 35k a year at best, and that won't cut it in my position, but I've applied anyway because we have to have better income coming in than we do now. Even after having a recruiter help me restructure my resume, the silence is deafening. In order to be hired for many of the jobs I see out there that pay decently, doing something I know I can or will do, I will need to narrow it down to a field, apply to a school, pay for certain classes toward certifications/licenses, and gain experience in that field (paid at entry level rates, or more often than not unpaid), before I can reasonably expect to find real work, and I still wouldn't be guaranteed a job. Basically, it would in all likelihood be starting over again, but with three times the education and twice the experience and age I had right out of college almost 20 years ago, and most likely winding up the low man on the totem pole yet again, due to lack of experience in the specific field itself. I just seem to be 2 steps behind in all of my endeavors, and I haven't figured out why. Still, with my years and years of experience and education and skill and everything else, I need viable, sustainable work in order to support all 4 of us as comfortably as possible. I am having difficulty finding even a waitressing job right now to supplement what I have. Even when I leave off the years and years of work and education, I don't get a second look (unless it's a curious one) simply because I am "too old" and they know that as soon as something better comes along, I am out the door. Yet when I do apply for jobs that in are in my range, I am competing with hundreds of others just like me or those with tons more experience (or specializations) behind them. It's almost impossible to "stand out" right now. Companies are rarely sending out "thanks but no thanks" letters or e-mails anymore...but I got one today...from an organization I had actually worked with before as a freelancer...in the end though, they found a "candidate that more closely matches the requirements of our client"....I don't mean to sound like a whiny baby...and I know so VERY many others are going through similar situations or worse...but it is frustrating and disheartening and very, very stressful...and some days yeah, depressing. I have been as proactive as possible, and not a day goes by that I am not looking for work and income...it's all on me and I can't forget that when I wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night...it weighs on me...

I haven't abandoned freelance work though, or piecing together a variety of work as I have been. Right now I am reading Barbara Winters updated copy of "Making a Living Without a Job". It has definitely been inspirational, and perhaps given the non-movement of the job search, revitalizing my own work in areas that I love, will bring us the prosperity I want for us, and overall genuine happiness for the long term.

One thing I can say, we aren't spoiled...we are making due with what we have, and making due with out and being grateful for every bit. Yes, this is the nicest house I've ever lived in...yes I had to work hard to help us achieve this material possession...but the value of it and everything we do have (material and non-material), does not go unnoticed and it's not taken for granted by any means...its actually really quite sad to see it slip through our fingers as it is has...but the fate of this place is out of my control...so that at least gives me a sense of peace...I didn't "cause" us to be homeless...someone else had those controls...

Not knowing where I will ultimately find the most work, makes it difficult to figure out where we should live...Right now, I have work that is varied, and for the most part all over the map in terms of geography, and most of it (particularly my college teaching) too unpredictable to warrant laying down a new set of roots based on that.

The world is wide open on the one hand...yet is it? I am ultimately bound to where ever the most opportunity lies...and that may be out of my control too...I am hoping for the beach...

Here is a poem I came across a few years ago...it's given me a little inspiration since then:

I've Learned
by Omer B. Washington

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you'll see them.
I've learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves go farther in life.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned to love
and be loved.
I've learned...

Home

2009-08-14T22:07:00.013-04:00

“When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home” ~ Thornton Wilder

"Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

"It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home." ~Author Unknown

I am pondering home right now. What does home mean? What does it mean to be "homeless" or with out a home?

Right now the girls and I are effectively about to be "homeless". I won't go into the details, but it was out of my control. I have a lot of anger about the situation, but I am trying to see it as an opportunity. While confronting all of this, I have realized how many people love me and the girls. I have been reminded of the strong bonds that are between not only friends and family, but between people. I have had so many people reach out to me and the girls through all of this, and offer assistance and help. I'll never be able to return the favor and everyday I wake up thankful for what I have. We have options on temporary housing, but none are all that ideal and each add to our stress levels and my work commute and each require us to live with another family while we get back on our feet, but at least it's a roof. Given how shaky my income is at the moment, I am reluctant to take on a lease right now so I see my only option is to take one of the offers of being a guest in someone else's home for a little while.

I asked the girls where they wanted to live, and that is where I am targeting my job searches. Given that right now I am employed primarily part time or on a contract basis, and have been looking for more work, now is as good a time as any to start over where ever we want.

I love our house and we worked so hard to get here. I rolled 1,000 ear candles a week for a year to help us buy this place. We put so much work into the house with paint and plants, etc. to make it ours. But honestly there are so many memories here...some good and some bad. In some ways I feel burdened and held back here, yet there are so many things I love about this place too. The girls are ready for a change though and am I. I considered trying to buy the house myself, to avoid being "homeless" and the stress of moving, etc. but the girls all adamantly want to move and make a change. Really, so do I. It's mixed for me though. In my gut I know that I will never truly move forward as long as I am living here. Some times changes are forced and they don't seem so positive on the surface. I am looking for the hidden treasures in this.

Home is the place you make your own. It is the place you can completely be the person you are. It is a safe haven, an oasis as well protection from the elements. How is it going to feel when we no longer have this for a while? When we are bunking with another family in their home? I have a feeling it is going to be difficult and stressful and definitely sad.

I am trying to view this as an opportunity. My attitude has to remain positive, for me and for the girls to get us through this. In addition to that, I feel that good things are right around the corner as long as I am persistent. I hear all of these sayings in my head...Creation comes out of destruction and out of destruction comes creation. Every beginning comes from an ending and every ending leads to a new beginning. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger...etc. There are a load of trite sayings I could put in here. Essentially though I can't roll over and curl in a ball, it's what I want to do some days, but I can't. Its not going to go away and I have to face it and deal with it. I have to remain positive and some days its easier to do that than others.

Letting Go

2009-07-25T23:48:00.014-04:00

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." ~ Joseph Campbell

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." ~Lao Tzu

Letting go is a theme I have struggled with for quite some time. It occurs in almost every aspect of my life. In particular, as a mother, I have to learn to let go of my children, to allow them to be "who they are", to prepare to leave the nest and grow up. I am watching my oldest fast approaching this stage and my middle one not too far behind. It won't be long before they are all grown up and out on their own. Often this is difficult to do.As parents, we want to protect our children from the difficulties and dangers they will inevitably face.

Letting go is probably the hardest, yet most often, the most loving thing we can do in almost any aspect of our lives, and it is still some thing I am learning to do...what am I holding on to? What am I afraid of? I can think of lots of things. Often we hang on out of fear or comfort. Change is scary, especially the big changes. I am learning that endings are beginnings and I am learning to trust that life tends to work out the way it needs to work out. This isn't to say that I should do nothing, just that I can only do my best and let the pieces fall where they will...and that requires a lot of trust.

Yet, there are differences in terms of what we mean by "letting go" aren't there? There is the letting go of a parent to a child, and the letting go of ideas or possessions, then there is the letting go of forgiveness and that is a little different and often much more difficult. Attachment is what keeps us holding on, whether it is to the things in our world, people, beliefs, goals, habits, etc. The Buddhists teach that it is our attachments that lead to suffering.

As parents we are attached to our children. It is part of nature's design, and what ensures survival of the species. Bonding for most of us is easy and natural...letting go on the other hand is difficult for most of us too. I am learning slowly but not always easily. I can only control my own thoughts, actions, beliefs, feelings, etc...no one else's. When our children are little we do have a little more control over them, but as they grow older and eventually become adults, well, we don't.

Other ways I am learning to let go are in my own personal life. In the grand scheme of things when I let go, I am more at peace, but at those times when I am "holding" a thought, feeling, idea, etc. I find a lot of anxiety, tension, stress, depression and unhappiness. Maintaining that sense of peace, that letting go isn't easy to maintain. However, I have been checking in with myself more often lately. I have been in check with my thoughts in order to try to control my thoughts in a more rational manner. The hope is that I can reduce some of this attachment, thus reducing some of my stress and unhappiness...and you know what? It's been working! When I am able to do this, I seem to touch a much greater wisdom, and I find I feel much more at peace.Observing and letting go of my emotions isn't always easy. I am a passionate person and highly intuitive. I not only feel my own thoughts & emotions very intensely, but I tend to pick up on those around me quite easily as well...add the stresses of my daily life and that can create a big ball of unhappiness inside of me some times. It is so easy to get caught up in the stresses of life and to hold on to things...I am learning as I think we all are everyday. Oddly enough it takes a bit of "control" to learn to let go...maybe it gets easier. Hopefully I'll find out.

2009-07-20T19:06:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about love lately, and when I came across a site filled with quotes about love, it got me thinking a little more about this subject. As I mature and grow and experience life in its many forms, my perspective should ideally grow with it…and I think it has. I know that I have experienced love in every imaginable version, and while I am definitely no expert on the subject, & despite the hurt I’ve experienced through out my life, amazingly love still comes easy for me. I haven't closed off to love in the least. This isn’t the case for everyone though I realize that. I also think love is the essence of most religious & sacred texts. Religion itself may not always translate them that way though. Love is essential to life and I think the ancients knew it. Love is around us all the time, whether we choose to see it or not. For some it is easier to see than for others.

Children are especially open to life and to love. It sometimes brings tears to my eyes when I see this expressed so fully in them. Small children especially have this ability. Love is so simple, yet so complicated. It is easy, yet difficult at the same time…love is essentially filled with contradictions. However, love is at its best unselfish (“Love is what is left in a relationship after all the selfishness is taken out....” Nick Richardson.) One of my wise aunts recently said these words to me that I translate here in terms of love: “Life is always difficult, but our outlook on that life, our perspective, will always make a big difference to those we encounter in that life…it frustrates me how foolish people are in not seeing that this world is not just a playground where they have all of their “wants” met. Their pursuit of those “felt needs” which really translate to selfish desires, leads them into all kinds of emotional pain, but their blindness to their own foolishness keeps them from seeing the way out. This creates an ever spiraling downward cycle.” I could continue to expound on this topic, but I think others have said it better than I can.

Wikipedia defines love thusly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

Below are some of the quotes that spoke to me about the depth of “true love”. We hear so many superficial & immature thoughts about love, but these here speak of the “heart” of what love is all about, at least in my opinion and experience. The site where I found these quotes had plenty of the “usual” immature love quotes as well. It took me a while to sift through and find these gems to share. There are many great quotes here. Maybe some of them will speak to you too.

___________________________________________________

"Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."....Erich Fromm.

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out....Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides." Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"When love is accompanied with deep intimacy, it raises us to the highest level of human experience. In this exalted space, we can surrender our egos, become vulnerable and know levels of joy and well-being unique among life experiences. We attain a glimpse of the rapture that can be ours. Boundaries are blurred, there are no limitations and we rejoice in union. We become one and, at the same time, both....Leo Buscaglia. Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, re-made all the time, made new....Ursula K. Le Guin.

"Sometimes we see things not as they are but as we are: Love brings understanding....Unknown.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person....Mignon McLaughlin.

"It isn't possible to love and part...you can transmutate love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know from experience that the poets are right: love is eternal....E M Forester.

"Kindness in words creates confidence, Kindness in thinking creates profoundness, Kindness in giving creates love....Lao-Tsu.

"Love is friendship set to music....Pollock. Even after all this time The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a Love like that! —It lights the whole Sky. (Hafiz) One of the characteristics of love relationships that flower is a relatively high degree of mutual self-disclosure -- a willingness to let our partner enter into the interior of our private world and a genuine interest in the private world of that partner. Couples in love tend to show more of themselves to each other than to any other person....Nathaniel Branden.

"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you....Roy Croft.

"Do you want to know a good way to fall in love? Just associate all your pleasant experiences with someone, and disassociate from all the unpleasant ones....Richard Bandler.

"On Marriage: One of the things I have realized -- and people who have been married a long time realize -- is that marriage is not a love affair. A love affair has to do with immediate personal satisfaction. But marriage is an ordeal; it means yielding, time and again. That's why it's a sacrament: you give up your personal simplicity to participate in a relationship. And when you're giving, you're not giving to the other person: you're giving to the relationship just as the other person is, then it becomes life building, a life fostering and enriching experience, not an impoverishment because you're giving to somebody else." ...Joseph Campbell

" Love is a friendship caught on fire....Northern Exposure.

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies....Aristotle. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get -- only with what you are expecting to give -- which is everything....Katherine Hepburn.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you....Herman Hesse.

"The first duty of love is to listen....Paul Tillich. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage....Lao-Tsu.

"Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side....Hugh Prather.

"Love is just a feeling of togetherness and openness in your heart....Ken Keyes.

"You can't force someone to love you; all you can do is become someone who can be loved; the rest is up to them....Unknown.

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation....Kahlil Gibran.

"Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what's inside....Renee Conkle.

"Couples who love each other tell each other a thousand things without talking....Chinese Proverb. Sex is a momentary itch, love never lets you go....Unknown.

"Love is the doorway through which the human soul passes from selfishness to service....Unknown.

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own....Robert A. Heinlein.

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship....Lord Byron.

"Love is what is left in a relationship after all the selfishness is taken out....Nick Richardson.

"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies....Pietro Aretino.

"Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all of life's hazards, save one--neglect....James D. Bryden.

"Kindness in words creates confidence Kindness in thinking creates profoundness Kindness in giving creates love....Lao-Tsu.

"Real love begins where nothing is expected in return....Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

"Love is when each person is more concerned for the other than for one's self....David Frost.

"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other....Unknown.

"We forgive to the extent that we love....Francois Duc De La Rochefoucauld.

"Where there is a today....there was probably a yesterday....but possibly never a tomorrow.... make the most of wherever your heart desires to be....tell her you love her....Unknown.

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy....George Jean Nathan.

"Love and respect are the most important aspects of parenting, and of all relationships....Jodie Foster. Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable....Dr. Joyce Brothers.

"To love is not a passive thing. To love is active voice. When I love I do something, I function, I give. I do not love in order that I may be loved back again, but for the creative joy of loving. And every time I do so love I am freed, at least a little, by the outgoing of love, from enslavement to that most intolerable of master, myself....Bernard Iddings Bell.

"Because of a great love, one is courageous....Lao-Tsu. The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves. We cannot force love....William Hazlitt.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses....Ann Landers.

"Love is the child of freedom, never that of domination....Erich Fromm.

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition....Alexander Smith.

"Our love must not be a thing of words and fine talk. It must be a thing of action and sincerity....I John 3:18.

"Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence....Sydney Smith.

"We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it....John Lennon.

"An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception....Harold Loukes.

"You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You're just naked. You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all your defenses. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and you can trust him not to hurt you....Unknown.

"It is difficult for some people to accept that love is a choice. This seems to run counter to the generally accepted theory of romantic love which expounds that love is inborn and as such requires no more than to accept it. This theory believes that love is a magical force which frees us from all suffering and solves every problem, that it is an end unto itself. To a limited extent, there may be some truths to each of these beliefs, but having the capacity to love is not the same as having the ability to love....Leo Buscaglia.

"When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and time taking care of it....M. Scott Peck. Love is not some complex, mystical abstraction. It is something accessible and human that we learn through our everyday experience, as often at times of failure as in moments of ecstasy....Leo Buscaglia.

"The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt....Leo Buscaglia.

"Love is wanting what you have, not having what you want....Jaci in Alaska -- an on-line love story. A woman unsatisfied must have luxuries. But a woman who loves a man would sleep on a board....D. H. Lawrence.

"True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away....Alicia Barnhart.

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it....Traditional.

"To paraphrase something the anthropologist Ashley Montagu once said, the way I change my life is to act as if I'm the person I want to be. This is, to me, the simplest, wisest advice you can give anyone. When you wake up and act like a loving person, you realize not only that you are altered, but that the people around you are also transformed, because everybody is changed by the reception of this love....Bernie Siegel.

"Once you love, you cannot take it back, cannot undo it. What you felt may have changed, shifted slightly, yet still remains love....Whitney Otto.

"You may wish to be loving -- you may even try with all your might -- but your love will never be pure unless you are free from resentment. When we are free from resentment, loving is effortless. When we have to try hard to love, this is generally a sign that we are repressing our resentments....John Gray.

"Two things you should NEVER say to the one you love: "I love you, but..." and "If you loved me, you would..." Should you really qualify love with conditions?....Unknown.

"What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated....Leo Buscaglia.

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality....Victor Frankel.

"We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love....Thich Nat Hanh.

"Love is not losing freedom, it is sharing freedom with another....Unknown.

"Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other....Unknown.

"We all love best not those who offend us least, nor those who have done most for us, but those who make it most easy for us to forgive them....Samuel Butler. We are shaped and fashioned by what we love....Goethe.

"If you can't love me at my worst, you don't need me at my best....Unknown. The story of love is hello and goodbye... until we meet again....Jimi Hendrix.

"Like any other living, growing thing, love requires effort to keep it healthy....Leo Buscaglia.

"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get....Morarji Desai.

"Many people when they fall in love look for a little haven of refuge from the world, where they can be sure of being admired when they are not admirable, and praised when they are not praiseworthy....Bertrand Russell.

"Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low....Henry Ward Beecher.

"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time...it tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other....Leo F. Buscaglia.

"True love" isn't so much a dreamy feeling that you have as it is an enduring commitment to give sacrificially -- even, or perhaps especially, when you don't feel like it....William R. Mattox, Jr.

"Each of us is responsible for creating an environment of warmth and consideration for those we love. I have always tried to define a good day not in terms of one in which all things were made right and comfortable for me but rather, as a day in which I have been able to make another's day more loving and special for them. We must treat each other with dignity. Not because we merit it but because we grow best in thoughtfulness....Leo Buscaglia.

"To love only for the looks is to only see with your eyes, but to love with your soul is to see with your heart....Unknown.

"LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant....Unknown.

"Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being....Dan Barker.

"I must conquer my loneliness alone. I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer you. Two halves have little choice but to join; and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes when they coincide... that is beauty. That is love....Peter McWilliams.

"True love begins when nothing is looked for in return....Antoine De Saint-Exupery.

"Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint -- like a heartbeat. And pure love -- why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there....Erma Bombeck.

"If you create the space and the desire to have love in your heart as your top priority, you'll start to see that you have the capacity to make loving decisions, and to have loving reactions, and to become nondefensive, and to become a better listener...and pretty soon a little annoyance will come your way or someone will do something wrong...and you'll just find yourself forgiving them. You'll find yourself not wanting to be thrown off-center simply to follow some negative train of thought that's going to bring you somewhere you don't want to go. You'll find yourself able to stay in that feeling of love -- and when you do, almost everything else magically takes care of itself...love is the most important answer in life....Richard Carlson.

"Honesty is a principle. Service is a principle. Love is a principle. Hard work is a principle. Respect, gratitude, moderation, fairness, integrity, loyalty, and responsibility are principles. There are dozens and dozens more. They are not hard to identify. Just as a compass always points to true north, your heart will recognize true principles....Sean Covey.

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down....Ray Bradbury.

Prove Yourself!

2009-07-14T09:34:00.013-04:00

"If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool." ~ Carl Jung

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." ~ Carl Jung

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."~ Paulo Coelho

"Judge a tree from its fruit, not from its leaves." ~ Eurpides

"We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgment of the intellect is only part of the truth." ~Carl Jung

"We do not judge the people we love."~ Jean-Paul Sartre

"When personal judgment is inoperative (or forbidden), men's first concern is not how to choose, but how to justify their choice." ~Ayn Rand

I have some questions. Again with the pondering. Yep, here we go again...

Does needing help on occasion make you weak or needy? Does lacking the skills or physical strength to accomplish a task make you weak or helpless? Does confiding in and seeking advice and support from your very closest and longest standing friends about your struggles and concerns make you weak? Does being an emotional wreck every now and then during difficult times make you weak or unable to cope? Do having emotions and expressing those emotions make you weak and soft?

I ask these questions because all of these are at the forefront right now, and although I know I am not a weak person, I feel weak these days and it sucks! I feel like I have to prove myself. I feel like I am under a microscope some times. Can she do it? Does she have what it takes? You know how toddlers always want "to do it myself?" Well adults struggle with that too. I have this complex that I will be judged if I can't do it all by myself or when I need help, it's so hard to ask! I don't want to burden anyone or seem weak or needy. I think of myself as a competent person, and when I need help I don't feel all that competent. Yet I have to remember that I am not super human either. I've heard others who have been thrust into a challenging situation say they have struggled with that as well. What does that say about human nature? My kids get so annoyed with me when we are in a store and I can't find something. I won't ask for help! Does that rank up there with men who won't ask directions? I don't know. I do know that I have to get better about that. I am not super human. I don't know it all, I can't do it all, I just wish I could or think I should. Maybe that is one of the lessons I am supposed to take from all of this. I am really good at painting a pretty picture, putting a smile on everything and pretending everything is just peachy, when really that isn't always accurate, just some times. I don't really like a lot of attention, which may explain why I never had a wedding and don't really regret it, I would much rather fly under the radar. So, it's the rare person in my life who knows what lurks underneath (I can think of 2 right now).

I don't think anyone really gets any where all by themselves though. Not truly. I recently read Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers. His many real life stories of good communication, being at the right place at the right time, seeing and taking advantage of life's inevitable opportunities, turning a bad situation into success, but most of all, getting a hand up or help from a benevolent mentor, gave me some things to think about. Again, no one's success can be attributed solely to themselves, there is always someone behind it somewhere. The myth of the self made man/woman is really just that, a myth. Somewhere down the line all successful people have someone, at least one someone, to thank. Even as I re-read Atlas Shrugged, I can see that it's true. We are all connected in some way, whether we realize it or not.

Some times we all need a little helping hand and I've had to accept more than I would normally need lately, some thing I will pay forward with out a thought and without judgment. I just know that I am one lucky woman to be surrounded by so much support and friendship and love. If it were just me struggling right now it would be one thing, I can handle it, but having 3 innocent lives to support puts another spin on things, so I have to suck it up and do what's necessary.

Work vs a Life

2009-07-07T20:00:00.038-04:00

"Only as a warrior can one withstand the path of knowledge. A warrior cannot complain or regret anything. His life is an endless challenge, and challenges cannot possibly be good or bad. Challenges are simply challenges." ~ Carlos Castaneda

"Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging." ~ Joseph Campbell

Maybe I am a fool in this economy, but I just turned down a job when I don't have anything else to back it up. Crazy right? Well, I wouldn't say I don't have anything to back it up, I have a little steady contract work, but it's not enough to support myself and 3 children with. I also have the knowledge that I will again be teaching college in the fall part time. But indeed, I did turn down a perfectly good J-O-B during a recession. Instead, I took a leap of faith. Why you ask? Well, I'll tell you why, the job wasn't going to allow me to have much of a life in between work, and the pay wasn't that great either, just steady. They also wanted me to train for the job for 6 weeks, at a location that was 2 hours away, for 10 hours each day from 7:30 AM-6PM, which translated into a 14 hour work day total, for a paycheck that would ultimately translate into a rate I was making 10 years ago. As a single mom, that was an impossibility. As I put the pieces of the reality of trying to do that together, my head began to swim and I actually broke down and cried. In addition, in order to manage the time between "the job" and my responsibilities as a mom and running a household alone, I would have to let go of teaching and my contract work; both of which I actually enjoy doing and bring in extra income that make up for the skimpy regular paycheck the job was offering. As Paul Tillich says, "Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free." I need to be free, and a job like that would not allow that, so I made a very tough decision. I struggled with it, I lost sleep over it, but my gut was screaming at me to turn it down, so I did. Now, I have no idea what we will do for money other than what little I am bringing at the moment. Yet, oddly enough, I am at peace with my decision, despite the loss of income.

The job is a newly created college administration position, and it's actually considered a promotion of sorts or maybe a door prize, since they are closing the location where I work part time, and opening 2 new locations nearby and giving me one of the full time gigs. It is a compliment that says these guys that I've been working for, like me and think I am doing a good job and want me to stick around. However to me, it felt more like a prison sentence. Aside from the impossibility of the logistics of the training period, which was thrown at me the day before I was to officially start the job, I was lukewarm about the job in the first place. I initially accepted it, just to have steady income coming in. But really, the thought of getting up each day at the same time, and going to the same place, day in and day out, sitting behind a desk, where my time and my actions were owned by someone else, being accountable to a boss and a staff each and every day, then coming home to do it all over again the next day...ugghh...it weighed me down, but I was going to do it in spite of that for a paycheck. I've been down this road before, my last attempt at a full time gig was my first attempt to support the 4 of us alone. While the experience was valuable in some respects, and it taught me a lot, it was a disaster for me on a personal level. So I courageously, or foolishly, said thanks, but no thanks to the "promotion". I am sure that some of this angst is based on the fact that I've been a little spoiled by working for myself being an independent contractor for so long (10 years)...I think I am ruined for life as a "regular" employee. My real life is so much more important to me, that work life becomes second or more realistically third or fourth...work is work. I am stating the obvious, but unless I am doing something that I am passionate about, I am just going through the motions for a paycheck, and employers sense it, and quite honestly it actually adds stress to my already stressed existence. I haven't found the ability to throw myself into a "job". When a job takes up that much of my time, then it better be something I actually don't mind doing, or at least allows me flexibility and variety. Joseph Campbell said, "I think the person who takes a job in order to live - that is to say, for the money - has turned himself into a slave. " Too true!

The creators of Southpark have put together an animation around one of Alan Watt's talks titled Music and Life I show this short clip to my freshmen college students when we discuss choosing a major. I can see a light turn on with some of them when I show it. What Watts says here is something that has resonated with me over the years when I was first introduced to the concept back during my undergraduate days. I have taken this concept and made it part of my own guiding philosophy.

I am broke, and it's scary, but I have already received a call today for some minimally paying part time contract work. There will be more and it will get better. I have to know that it will work out, it has to. I have been actively and persistently putting irons in the fire, and some of them will pan out soon, I have confidence in that. With the pressure on, today I put in bids for at least 10 or 15 contracts which hit the full range of my skills, areas of expertise and knowledge. In this time that I have been "under employed", my girls and I have learned a little about living even more simply than we already do. We have renewed our pleasure in the "cheap" things in life. We have learned to let the unimportant, small stuff go. We have begun to appreciate what we have and we have some renewed motivation to "be", to try new things and to strive for those goals that give us a little more meaning. However, survival mode can be a strong force. I admit that panic grips me all too often, especially when bills are due and we are low on food. I often wonder is all this worth it for a higher ideal? Is there really such a thing as fulfilling work or at least true work/life balance at the full time level?

So, I have gravitated toward reading for inspiration. Not really a new thing for me. I found a few books that have given me some inspiration, insight and wisdom in the face of an unprecedented struggle of my life, that of supporting not only myself, but 3 innocent souls.

Being and Doing: Paul Tillich as Ethicist edited by John J. Carey
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
The Wisdom Within by Roger Mills & Elsie Spittle

Why do we give ourselves over so easily to the grind? Maybe it's because I am older now, I've lived a little and I am not willing to take crap anymore. I am looking for quality of life right now. I want life to have meaning for me, I want to be available to my kids, I want to be available to what life has to offer as well, and I want to be there with the people I care most about. I don't want to be beholden to a "boss" or a desk or an office. In the end, I don't want to know that I have spent more time at "the office" than with those who matter most to me or in actually "living". It's like my grandmother said when she knew she was dying, as she looked on the land and property she and my grandfather had amassed, after many years of struggle to get there: "All of this. We are just borrowing it". It's so very true! My grandparents had struggled through the Depression as children, and through World War II as young adults, and they had further struggles throughout their lives. In the end they weathered them together, they worked hard, they had goals and they were ultimately extremely successful and lived the life they had dreamed in their final years....and yet, it's all just borrowed.

I have never "had" to be the breadwinner until now. Ultimately, I don't know "how" to be the breadwinner and be the mom that I am at the same time. For 15 years, I thought I was part of a team, but now, it's just me and that's not what I signed up for. I am not willing to give up being the mom I "am", and I'm unsure if I will trade that any time soon. Happiness has always taken precedence over the material in my life. I see being my version of a good mom as being more important right now, but I know that part of that is to provide for the girls' needs, and I am, but maybe not a lot of luxuries. I am a parent first, work is secondary. I work extremely hard, covering multiple roles every day. I have tried to have the "job" in order to provide something, but we all suffered as a result. It was an indescribably miserable time for not only me and the kids, but for anyone close to me as well. So, if I can make what we need while doing work I don't mind doing, even if it's piecing something together, I'll do it. It's hard enough trying to raise a family of 4 these days with 2 parents and 2 incomes, try raising a family of 4 on one income with one parent. It's challenging. I essentially need twice the income, and that is not easy to come by any means. In essence, I am attempting to raise a family of 4 on half the income and half the support and some days it feels like I am enjoying half the quality of life. Yet every day I take pleasure in the little things, and appreciating what I DO have. As an example, just the other day I was cooking a rare "good" family dinner, on a rare night we were all home. The girls were playing a game together at the table and getting a long happily. Life in that moment was good.

Growing up and into adulthood, I've never been wealthy, ever, having a nice new house was about as close as I've ever gotten to feeling the least bit well off, and it's actually pretty average, but to me it's a castle compared to most of the other places I've lived. (Side note: with one exception, the time we spent as a family renting my husband's 70's split level, childhood home was probably the happiest of all for me outside of the college days and for a bit as kid in a certain apartment complex before the area got so bad. Otherwise, I've always lived in a crappy apartment or dilapidated old house.) We had to work extremely hard to get to the house, and make sure it was something we could maintain for the long haul. I rolled 1,000 ear candles a week for a year in a little area of our back room as a side job to help us get that house too! Actually I've always been on the edge of downright poor, but I've always managed to have a good attitude about it and I've always managed to make sure we have "enough", to make a life, to be creative about it, and to have "good enough" for us, or to "make do" or find a way to make it myself if I can't buy it. It's not that a prefer life to be that way, I just haven't found a way to make it any different. I keep trying, but so far this is what it's been. But, it has made me who I am, and I wouldn't trade it. Like one of my best friends recently told me, and I am paraphrasing, "You always have the neatest stuff, but it's always stuff you can't find anywhere else. You can't buy what you have at Crate and Barrel, but it's always just as cool.You always manage to have what you need, or know how to make something old and ratty look cool again. No one would ever guess you aren't better off" That is a compliment, and I take it to heart. I am resourceful, strong, intelligent and hardworking...but sometimes, like right now, I am just beaten and tired and worn down as I try to do this alone. I often feel I am swimming upstream.

Realistically though we have to eat, we have bills to pay and we have needs and goals. Right now I am pretty much living the same life I was living before I was single, yet now I am doing it alone and broke, and it isn't as fulfilling as it used to be...I think I need to revisit the video of Alan Watts words and make some serious changes soon. Ideals will only go so far. So how do you balance having a life and work? Again, I must quote my hero Joseph Campbell, "Is the system going to flatten you out and deny you your humanity, or are you going to be able to make use of the system to the attainment of human purposes?"

Resilience

2009-06-28T17:11:00.012-04:00

re⋅sil⋅ience –noun

1.	the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.

2.	ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~ Confucious

Life will throw you a curve ball from time to time, that is a natural fact. How we react to these curve balls though, that is the bigger question. The American Psychological Association defines resilience thusly:

"Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences...Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience...Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress."

As a family, I believe for the most part, my girls and I have been able to be quite resilient, however, we are still struggling with some of it. We have a ways to go, but it's getting better in small steps, as maybe it should. When I look back at where we were 4 years ago when things were at their worst, we've definitely come a long way. We are still dealing with a good bit, but it's getting better. For instance one of my younger daughters isn't exhibiting the anxiety related OCD tendencies that she was then. There are other things...The girls and I have become a pretty tight unit, and we are probably closer because of what we have weathered together. On a personal level, I have had to learn to ask for and accept help. Not necessarily a bad thing as long as I don't depend on it, but a difficult lesson for an independent minded person such as myself. Sometimes being strong is knowing when to ask for help. Each time I have experienced adversity in my life, I have tried to learn something from it, or take a lesson from it of some sort. It's been a long process and it's not done by any means. I wonder if maybe the degree of trauma that is experienced plays a role in the length of the healing process. Having a lot of positive attitude and a great support system can be a catalyst for that healing. I've been fortunate to have both and so much more.

Something that I absolutely won't waver on is this: Being a good role model. In addition, I have ensured that as much as possible, my daughters are surrounded by other good role models, and truly positive people and experiences as well. I want them to know that despite difficult times, people are still good, and that being nice can be good for you. Being treated with respect and treating others with respect can help us heal. Kindness, respect and good role modeling can all promote good health on many levels, and this has been so very helpful in building those resilience blocks for my children and myself. Bouncing back is a process and if at all possible, I won't turn down a positive opportunity to build on that process.

Times are tough all over right now, which is something that I cannot forget or let myself forget. In the grand scheme of things, my own struggles are not anything more than anyone else's struggles. It is sometimes hard to see that, when our own world feels so small, and much like a never ending struggle. For me I've often described it as feeling like running very fast to stay in the same place. Going through a difficult period in life can sometimes give us tunnel vision and lead us to become a bit self absorbed, or in constant survival mode. It's not always easy to bring ourselves out of that thought trap. I have been guilty of it too many times to count, especially lately. One thing I have found to be beneficial in my resilience process is in doing for others when and where I can, even if it is in small ways. What goes around comes around as they say. Paying it forward can't hurt. Helping others can help take us out of our own experience and make connections with others, hopefully creating space for empathy, bringing about a renewed sense of self worth, confidence and well being. We all struggle in our own ways everyday, but it's how we carry it that matters. Trying to see the bigger picture can bring us perspective on our own troubles and it doesn't hurt with the role modeling efforts mentioned above either.

I don't think that I have reached the point where I have returned to my "original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched". Actually I don't think that will ever happen. I am too changed by my experiences. In fact, I have been forever changed by every event in my life, whether it's positive or negative. Regardless, I have made great strides to return a version of me that I hope will be stronger. It doesn't happen overnight by any means.

___________________________________

Desderida

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace be there may be in silence
Go as far a possible without surrender.
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as you plans.
keep interested in you own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him (her) to be,
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Trust- And Other Struggles

2009-06-18T11:15:00.007-04:00

"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him." ~ Booker T. Washington

For many, becoming a parent is the single biggest "adult maker" there is. Children will force you, whether consciously or not, to confront things about yourself in the most unexpected ways. Your past, present, future and the world around you will become more vivid. Your life, as well your perspective on your life, for better or worse, will be cast in a new light. As parents we have to learn to trust our judgment, and we have to learn to trust that in some way we will be guided through this ordeal, and it is an ordeal of sorts. Kids aren't really like house plants or pets. I have always seen my children as being a big spirit in a little body. Our children put so much trust in us, and that can be daunting. It is a heavy responsibility. Most parents are not ready for this sudden "awakening", or if they think they are, the reality is usually vastly different. These awakenings happen most often through out parenthood though, and in different ways, as I have observed. Probably the most intense experiences occur during infancy and early childhood. However, as I am seeing in my own life, they seem to come throughout parenthood, and they often come in waves.

Right now I am going through one of those waves. My oldest daughter is 16. She is dating boys who drive, she is taking the SAT and considering colleges, and trying her hand at theater for the first time by participating in a community teen production. She will be a high school senior next year, soon she will have her first job, and before I know it, she will be off to college...

Now I am confronting some of my fears, as well as some of my past. I well remember being 16, 17 & 18. I wasn't a bad kid, but I did do some things that I look back on now in shock (there is my past meeting my present). I remember the feelings of invincibility and the feeling that we were smarter than every else (and cooler too). On the one hand, we felt like adults...yet we still had one hand tied to the apron string. Pondering my role as a mother to a teenager, combined with reconnecting with so many old friends on Facebook recently, has brought even more people and memories to the forefront. I have to admit, it's a bit frightening. We often find ourselves asking each other, how did we survive it all?

Given the recent flooding of memories of my own teenage years, and where I am in the parenthood continuum, I am dealing with trust at the moment. I am realizing that I have to trust that I have done my best in raising her to this point, and that she will make smart decisions. I have to trust that she is where she says is going to be, that the people she is riding around with, or dating or "hanging out" with or spending the night with are responsbile and "good". I have to trust that she knows she can talk to me about anything, or call me if she feels unsafe. I have tried to surround my girls with other adults who I and they trust in the hopes that they can go to any of them if they feel they can't go to me for whatever reason. At my daughter's age and into my early 20's, I remember thinking I could handle anything, that I was as smart as, or smarter than the adults around me....it was arrogant and I know that now, but does she? Its been said that children are a reflection of their parents and their environment. Knowing that, while it may not have been and certainly isn't what my ideal would be, I have done my absolute best to provide the best environment that I can. I have tried to be a good role model, and I have offered her as much opportunity and freedom to discover who she is. I have taught her right from wrong, but I know that she is going to make mistakes, let's just hope they aren't big ones. I also have to trust the world...and the world isn't always a safe or good place...

Yet, knowing all of this, there is this nagging inside of me... why? Some thing has changed in my perspective suddenly.

It has come out some times in reactionary ways, and it's all based on intuition and gut feelings...and admittedly, a little guilt of my own...I have heard that the strictest parents are often the parents who were the wildest in their youth. I wasn't exactly wild, but I wasn't exactly an angel either, and like everyone else, I made too many stupid decisions to list. It seems to me that parents in general do not want their kids to make those same mistakes. It is almost as if parent's, through their children, can in some way perhaps erase their own misjudgments or live vicariously in some way. Thus far though, I have been a fairly relaxed parent. I say yes more than no to my children, and I generally view my kids and most of their friends as "good". Not one of them has ever given me a specific reason NOT to trust them in the big ways, yet there it is in my gut...this sense that I need to lay down the law and be the bad guy more often than the good guy to my kids now, particularly to my teenager. I have to ask more questions now and lay down clear rules. I am struggling with these feelings, and my reactions to them. It goes against my parenting personality in so many ways, yet at the same time, it has come through me in so many natural, albeit uncomfortable ways. As always, the oldest child as they say is the "test pancake". You hope you have learned from your mistakes from the first one and the rest of the batch goes a little more smoothly...at least in theory. This is new territory for me, so mistakes will be made and have been made...I just hope in the grand scheme of things, the mistakes are minor.

In the mean time, I will continue to do my best and learn from my mistakes, the mistakes of others and from my own past. Trust is a growth process...and while it can be painful at times, it's not something I am willing to give up on too easily...

Children as Spiritual Guides

2009-05-31T10:01:00.011-04:00

"Your Children Are Not Your Children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday." ~Khalil Gibran

"...To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition" ~Emerson.

I never saw myself as parent material. When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I was scared to death and did not think I would make a very good mother. I was 23 and had just graduated college and had entered graduate school. I was working my first full time job in the Psychology field at a school for behaviorally and emotionally disturbed children. I had high goals in mind for my life which did not include children so soon, if at all. Once we decided to move forward with this new adventure in our lives, I took it on 100%, that is, after a little coaxing and venting and freaking out. I also knew that I did not want to become what I perceived to be "the bad mother", the archetype of the bad mother I should say. I simply knew that I wanted to be the best mother I could possibly be. I also knew deep down, that my life as I knew it was over...

Not long after experiencing childbirth and taking this new little life home, I found an over powering need to begin exploring my own spirituality but in a very different way. At the same time, I began to see my child as a spiritual being, fully capable of deep thought and deep feelings. I began to see that parenting can be an important part of adult spiritual practice, and at the same time, seeing a good role model as being an important part of my children’s spiritual practice as well. Rather than closing me off, motherhood opened me further. This surprised me at first. I quickly learned that children bring a whole new dimension to their parents' lives. I discovered that parenting can be a positive and deeply joyful experience. I also came to see that parenting can be an important part of spiritual practice. Being the first of my friends to have children, I did not have peer comparisons or support to work with, so for better or worse, my husband and I forged our own way through parenting issues as they arose. I read as many books as I could find on the subject of parenting and children, with Joseph Chilton Pearce's book, Evolutions End having the biggest impact on me.

So, fast forward to 2005 when I went back to graduate school. One of the first faculty members I met in the department was Tobin Hart at a meet and greet event at a local coffee shop. He turned out to be an expert on children's spiritual experience, and he quickly became my mentor starting that first semester. When I went back to graduate school, I had pretty much made up my mind that I would study Organizational Development, but then I sort of fell into this whole path of research through that first conversation, and with Tobin's introduction to my children, but it was definite synchronicity. Tobin and his wife Mary happen to be long time friends of Joesph Chilton Pearce, who has been a frequent speaker at their conferences on children and spirituality. So, In graduate school I began to explore the topic of spiritual parenting to the fullest extent I possibly could at the time. I admit that what I have accomplished so far is very underdeveloped, but I have once again picked up where I left off and hope to develop this a little further to see where it takes me. As part of my ongoing research, in 2006, I interviewed 6 parents for my initial study, 5 mothers and 1 father, who are personally known to me.

Additionally, I began to be introduced to a wider range of authors and researchers on this topic. Of note, Mimi Doe as well as Hugh and Gayle Prather are the most well known authors who currently address the specific topic of spiritual parenting. In addition, Tobin Hart and Jim Dillon have written about the spiritual aspects of children. Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn have become experts in mindful parenting, which is closely related to spiritual parenting.

The biggest challenge experienced to date with this research is defining spirituality. While religion and spirituality are linked, spirituality can be something independent of religion. For this research, spirituality is defined as a means for the individual to find solutions to problems, and meaning in life. It is a deep awareness of one’s relationship with self and everything other than self. “I take spirituality to involve the lived transformation of self and community toward fuller alignment with or expression of what is understood, within a given cultural context to be “sacred.” This transformation may be supported by doctrines, practices, and social organization.” (Rothberg)

I am a parent, and in watching my growth as a parent and those of my friends and acquaintances after becoming parents, I have noticed the changes that overcome adults when they become parents. After becoming a parent myself, I noticed other children & parents in a new way. I saw how some parents paid more attention to the spiritual needs of their children than others, and the effects those styles of parenting had on both the child and parent (which ultimately affect society).

Some of the themes found through the interview transcripts were:
Awareness: Communication, different levels of the child and parent, being focused, attention, connection, seeing them as “actual people”, centeredness, letting it come from within, there is something bigger than us, children aren’t just to be manipulated, children are capable of “other levels”.
Balance: Openness, seeing the “whole child”, flexibility, negotiating conflict, integration, creativity.
Role Modeling: Communication, compassion, respect, morals, service to community. Autonomy: Choices versus control, belongingness, where is my place, helping or guiding the child to find that, individuality, expression.
Other themes found in this research:
Respect for self and others. Simply be polite to your children. You know, I hate hearing parents being rude to their children. Often I notice children of rude parents seem to act out more often.
Looking at the whole child not just the surface: understanding the child from his/her level.
Remembering being a child and acting from that experience.
Consistency
We are here for a reason
Teaching and exhibiting compassion
The Golden Rule
Humor is important
Boundaries and consequences are necessary but shouldn’t be too tightly controlling. Learning from mistakes and not blaming
That children connect, they “get it” and they seem to do it naturally
A warm, caring supporting family = a flourishing child
We have a need for nature. We are not separate from creation we are part of creation.
A reverence for the Earth and a sincere connection to life is important. The natural world and family acts as an anchor in our age of loneliness and alienation.
Talking about the “big questions”

What is Spiritual Parenting and what does it mean to be a mindful or spiritual parent?
One of my interviewees stated it best, “I think it probably has to do with being aware of what the whole child is about. Not just being concerned with things like physical safety, and what they are going to have to eat today. But sort of an attention to what that child is on other levels as well as what you are on other levels and an attention to things that aren’t necessarily verbal or structured. But if you some attention to it you end up getting a lot.” Spiritual parenting is about parenting with your eyes, heart and soul open to your children as they are. It is about embracing the connection that we all have with each other, as well as with the unseen and the sacred. This type of parenting perspective is about creating a strong center, and a sense of connectedness for your children; teaching love through love and being in touch with the larger world. Spiritual parenting is conscious parenting. Awareness, understanding, unconditional love and joy, even through the tough times, are at the heart of this pattern of parenting. A spiritual parent is present and honors the child’s nature. Tobin Hart writes, “Presence allows us to be more aware of what is called for in a situation and to engage deeply and spontaneously in the relationship. The opposite of this is to be disconnected, distant, unaware, self-absorbed, distracted, numb and caught up in the whirlwind of our own thoughts, reactions and agendas.” (2004)

The experts acknowledge that being a parent is a personal journey, and it is also a spiritual journey, but it is not always an easy one. The up days and down days are met with focus, soul and love. Parenting with full presence is at the core of this type of parental awareness. Mindful parenting is as Kabat-Zinn says, “…the recognition of the relationship and the sacred quality of the parent/child relationship.” (1997) Another parent participant says spiritual parenting is about, “…keeping your mind open to the spiritual aspects of the person and not just looking at them as a physical person”. Jim Dillon writes, “Far from inhabiting an innocent and conflict-free world, children are deep thinkers and who wrestling with life’s mysteries and existential issues, especially the problems of freedom, death, and meaning. In addition, children hunger and search for meaning and values by which to live their lives. Children are highly empathic and emotionally sensitive beings who, while certainly capable of selfishness and even cruelty, are prone to inspiring acts of kindness, self-sacrifice and altruism. Children have a remarkable capacity for hope, and for heroically transcending adversity and even persecution. Children have the capacity to experience intense connection with others, the natural world, and with the ground of existence itself. This capacity for connection includes children’s openness and sensitivity to the experience of profound beauty, wonder, and enchantment with the natural and human world.” (2005)

Finally, Mimi Doe states, “Children feel as deeply as adults do, but they haven’t yet developed the vocabulary to share their emotions. What a relief it must be when their parents comfortably accept their expression of feelings.” (1998) Spiritual or mindful parenting involves listening to our own intuition and our children’s wisdom. Spiritual parenting is about watching the wonder of the everyday unfold and participating fully in the celebration of life. This awareness involves helping your children discover meaning for their lives. Children, like adults, are striving for meaning and purpose; parents and caregivers are a vital part of that discovery process.

What is Spiritual Parenting not? Misconceptions
In my work as a Parent Educator with a local non-profit agency, I have seen what spiritual parenting perhaps is not. The following comments are based solely on my experience. Not knowing exactly what is happening in the minds of the parents I work with, I can only give my observations. Many of the parents I have worked with so far appear to see their children as something to be molded, someone to manipulate and control. I hear “no” more often than “yes”. The difference is significant. Hearing no more often than yes could potentially translate to saying “No” to life rather than “Yes” to life for the child, thus setting up a scenario of creating a further block to development, spirituality and adult satisfaction. This is an intriguing revelation and one that I am still unpacking as my research continues.I also see more disrespect of the children by the parents. The children in turn more often disrespect each other as well as their parents. I don’t hear simple phrases like “Please” and “Thank You” or “Excuse Me”. There are more commands than requests, negotiation or questions. I hate to hear a parent say “MOVE!” to their child rather than “Excuse Me”. As one parent I interviewed said, “It is so amazing how many parents aren’t polite to their own children!” Tobin Hart writes, “When we recognize a child first as a complete spiritual being, rather than merely as our growing offspring, a powerful shift occurs…What arises is respect and reverence for the uniqueness of this soul in front of us, even though he or she may not yet have fully ripened as a human. Children do not belong to us, they belong to their own soul and calling.” (2004) Too many times in my work, I have seen the child trying to speak to the parent or get his or her attention, only to be ignored or tuned out more often than listened to. Pat answers are supplied rather than being attuned to the child’s natural curiosity. Although I recognize many of the parents I see in my work have to work very hard to survive, and survival usually takes precedence over everything else when we have to choose. From my experience, the parents I work with often seem to see their role of parent as yet another job. As a result, what I often see is more conflict in these homes than is necessary. Like many families in our fast paced society, most of these parents seem to be disconnected from their children, and from themselves, the difference is that these parents have behavior patterns as adults that come across as immature.

In an article on his web site Ron Kurtz says,“So, when we ask, “what’s good for children?” the answer is clear. What’s good for children is that its caregivers are reliable. Reliable in this way: the caregivers can form a relationship with the child in which the child can rely upon its needs being consistently recognized and met. Among these needs is the need to live in a world that fits together and makes sense. If the parents’ world fits together and makes sense, that helps the child to create a world for itself that fits together and makes sense. That’s not all though. The child needs to learn to regulate his or her emotions. Consistent affect regulation on the part of the caregiver makes that possible. So, we know what is good for children. It is good for children, if the parents are reliably calm, reliably available, reliably sensitive to the child’s needs, and reliable providers.” (2005)

How Do We Honor Children's Spirit?
One quote I found particularly intriguing from my interviews is this, “Some of our friends were very receptive to speak with our kids as if they were actual people .” Respect for your child and his or her feelings. ‘Please’, ‘thank you’, ’I love you” and ‘I am sorry if I hurt you’ are powerful words we can use everyday. Parents interviewed say that personal responsibility and accountability should be encouraged both in the way you interact in your world and with your children, as well as how your children interact within their world. It is also beneficial to help children learn to listen to their intuition and inner voice. One mother said, “It is important that our children grow up and be happy and productive and I think all of that is spiritual...If you don’t have something bigger than you to embrace you while you are doing those things you just feel lost. But respect and compassion, all of those things , are spiritual.” Another parent states, “There is this need to submit ourselves to something that is bigger than us, but we don’t necessarily understand it. To show them a path that has worked for us.”

Who made a difference in your life as a child and why?
In my interviews those who made a difference to these parents as children seem to have a few things in common, they showed respect and acceptance, they had open conversation with children and adults, they were consistent about telling the why of things, and they spoke to children as if they are real people who are capable of understanding, compassion and deep thought. Asking for help with things which many said created a situation where the child is lifted up to a level that was more on par with being an equal or as important or as one parent put it, “She always made me feel special.” Again Hart says, “What we know of resilient children, those who have grown up in very difficult, abusive, or neglectful situations but who have thrived nonetheless, is that they nearly always have had a “leg up” person, a spiritual friend, someone who made a difference in their life, who saw a spark in them, who noticed them, who offered a kind word or took genuine interest in their life.” (2004)

Conclusions
The potentials of spiritual parenting might be better decision making for all family members, seeing the value of teamwork as well individuality, and the ability to work well with others. Parenting from a spiritual perspective can give children a greater sense of identity. In addition, by enhancing and focusing on the parent and child connection there is the promise of giving children a greater chance of holding their own against the social forces that can pull them into destructive behaviors. The hope is that by creating this atmosphere, that family will become a center in which all members are attended to, valued and heard. Creating a joyful family center can have positive repercussion for years and generations to come. Carol, who has 4 grown children, says as she reflects back, that she has always tried to foster a spiritual and mindful atmosphere at home through family life, church and community. Although none of her children attend church, one daughter has taken a very service oriented path and all are very compassionate people who are very involved in their community. The children all feel a sense of connectedness to home and family is still the center. She feels in this way she has been successful in teaching her kids the importance of spirituality. According to the parents interviewed, being a spiritual or mindful parent means you are as fully present as possible in your child’s life. The parents in this study overwhelming stated that it is important to pay attention, look deeply and try to understand your child from his or her point of view. Slow down and listen. Spiritual parenthood is about giving your child the freedom to be, but also setting limits in which to do so safely. Try to model behavior you would like to see manifested in your children’s lives. Spiritual parenting is about raising quality people and being a quality example. This type of parenting involves listening and using calm loving words as much as possible in your family. Acting appropriately rather than reacting to a child’s behavior requires attention and thoughtfulness. One parent said, “People don’t realize that having a child is like having a lover in a lot of ways. It’s a very open relationship”. Through this study I have also noticed that in most cases,the distinction between educational level and socio-economic class between participants mark a clearer distinction between parenting attitudes that may not be inclusive of our society as a whole.

The future of this research involves further research & exploration, potentially the creation of a parent’s quiz that will hopefully open up new understanding regarding where the parents might be coming from in their parenting attitudes, potential publishing and work with groups in workshop settings.

© Copyright, 2006: Lisa K. Smith

References
Dillon, James, “The Psychology of Childhood”. Class lecture notes hand out. University of West Georgia. Summer semester. 2005.

Doe, Mimi and Walch, Marsha F. 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting: Nurturing Your Child's Soul. New York: Harper Collins, 1998

Hart, Tobin. ”Spiritual Parenting”. Psychotherapy Networker. May/June: 2004.

Kabat-Zinn, John and Myla. Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. New York, New York: Hyperion, 1997.

Kurtz, Ron. (2005). http://www.ronkurtz.com/writing/children.pdf Is It Good for Children? http://www.ronkurtz.com/

Rothberg, Donald. Transpersonal Knowing: Exploring the Horizon of Consciousness. “Spiritual Inquiry”. Albany, New York: New York State Univeristy Press. 2000 “Spiritual Inquiry”.

Hand to Mouth: The Seemingly Infinite Struggle to Survive

2009-05-30T14:18:00.007-04:00

Being a single mom comes with its share of challenges no matter who you are. Although, having a multi-million dollar divorce settlement might make things a little easier....I usually don't pity those moms. On the other hand, doing this virtually alone, struggling for every penny, and trying to find balance and stability...now that's a whole other story and its the story I, like so many "regular" single moms, live every day for better or worse.

In spite of having an advanced degree and many years of experience under my belt, I struggle to find the work that will afford me and my girls the life that would bring us to the level we once enjoyed, or feel we should be enjoying at this point in life. I have worked hard, I am a good person, and now it seems as if its all for nothing. The rug has been ripped out from underneath me, and I feel cheated. Half the income is gone, half of of the adult support is gone, half of the help is gone. It's all on me now, and it's not something I really wanted or asked for. I also work hard to be the best mom I can be, to take care of our every day lives, to be there for my girls, to raise them to be loving and strong women, to provide a sense of stability along with the necessities of life and yes, even some luxuries every now and then. Yet at the same time I struggle to find work that will both provide the income I need to do these things, and also allow me the time and flexibility necessary to be the type of mom I feel its important to be. Add to that the desire for that work to bring me satisfaction on some personal level. It almost seems like something has to be sacrificed...I can focus on my career/business and make a good living to provide all of the material possessions and luxuries for my girls, yet more than likely sacrifice their well-being, or I could focus on their well-being and sacrifice income and material comforts, which is what I have been doing...is there a way to have it all? Because that is what I want! Are there only 2 choices? Is it possible to reach these goals I have set for myself?

In my observations over the years, I haven't known very many single moms. In spite of the divorce rate being what it supposedly is, I know very few divorced couples or single parents at all. The single moms I know who run successful businesses, seem to be very similar in some respects...they generally tend to be outspoken, and "forceful" some how...intimidating in some way maybe, high strung and quick to anger...they get what they want out of life, and they make things happen. Yet based on my experiences over the years, the children of these moms are highly dysfunctional, and some even seem very sad and find ways to seek attention and comfort or escape....not always in the best ways either. Now I admit my experiences are limited, and I have made some generalizations, but I do have a few experiences to draw from, and this is what I have seen so far.

What of the single mom on the other end of the spectrum? The mom who sacrifices income to really try to be there for her children in order to hopefully lessen the impact of the loss of their father? I am curious about the implications of that too. Because I live this model, I may be too "in it" to see it objectively. I know that I get a lot of compliments about myself, my children, the job I am doing, my strength and all of that...but a pat on the back doesn't put food on the table or pay the bills, much less give us vacations. I am not trying to take the martyr stance here, but so far, 3 years in, this is what my experiences have been.

I can't help but to be reminded of another type of single mom...the mom who works all of the time, and has little time to mother because she has no choice, or feels as if she has no other choice. As a social worker, I have worked with this type of mom many times. It is also the type of single mom I remember seeing in abundance around the apartments where I grew up. I am grateful for myself that my brother and I had a wide support system while growing up and I am thankful now for my children that that has not had to be our lot in life so far.

Perhaps it all boils down to parental style or philosophy, not merely single motherhood...but maybe by being the single parent this philosophy or style is amplified. Just a thought. When my children were born, I made a promise to them, and to myself, that I would do whatever I had to do to be there for them and to be the best mom I knew how to be. I had no idea at the time that I would end up doing this alone. I think in the end, it translates to my particular way of being as I am thrust into single parenthood...I have done my best not to compromise my values or to back down on my promise to them.

So back to my original thought...by accepting the type of single mom that I think I am, how can I have it all and is it even possible? I am working on that. Through trial and error I am seeking work and income sources that will allow me the flexibility I need, the satisfaction I want, and the income necessary to provide at least some of what we feel we deserve. But I have to admit, right now we are hand-to-mouth, and it can be very disheartening and stressful. It is almost impossible to focus on the higher order things in life when merely surviving is the immediate need. All I can really do is to keep doing what I always do, my best. I have heard from some, more experienced with this life than I am, that it gets better. I can only hope that it does. Right now, it feels like a bottomless pit...

What Did I Miss?

2009-05-13T15:39:00.013-04:00

So I have been pondering, as I often do. I attended a student Psychology research conference on campus recently and a few presentations really sparked some thought for me, thus inspiring me to pull some of my own thoughts and research out of the mothballs. My thoughts lately have followed the thread of father loss and its effects on daughters. So often research is focused on mother-daughter relationships, the effects of mother loss on children and the effects of father loss on sons, but little is said about those girls who lose their fathers at a young age. I was one of those girls. While growing up, it was thought what a tragedy it was for my brother to lose his father and male role model. My grandfather stepped up to the plate to be that role model for him to the best of his ability, but I was often overlooked. What about me? Although my grandfather never neglected me, I remember feeling left out of some of that bonding he went out of his way to foster with my brother. It was thought at that the time that I didn't necessarily need it or that I was even really missing something. I had my mom after all right? Not to mention I had a plethora of strong female role models (my grandmother and my mom and her 3 sisters, etc.). I appreciate all of it, nonetheless, I have always felt like I was missing "something". Its as if a part of my personality was sealed off at some point. Yet at the same time, I cannot fathom what that father/daughter relationship should be or feels like. I think that lack of relationship has affected everything from romantic, business, political and religious outlooks in my life. In that vein, I think it has made me extremely disdainful of strong paternalism and authority. I have not known what it feels like to have a male figure adore me just because I exist. I've observed it from the outside in my friends' relationships with their father's with curiosity and watched it with tenderness (and sweet tears) early in my daughters' lives with their father (before he left), and perhaps had a touch of it with my grandfather, yet I do not really know it.

I do not have a thought to unconditionally respect that male aspect that comes with male/female balance because I do not really know what that is. I think I tend to take over in my relationships with all that I know, that strong female persona. I may be teaching this to my girls without thinking about it too. None of those are necessarily bad things, but they may pose challenges later. I have had great relationships with males all through my life with my brother and with friends and in some relationships, but never as what I see from the outside as being that of fatherly, because I have no idea what this is or is supposed to "be". I think it left me open to some vulnerability in my life, but, on the flip side, I haven't sought out "father figure" men as some might expect and I don't think I have abandonment issues either. I also don't think I fell into the stereotype of the daughter without a father per se, but I do think that there is something very common in me that girls in my situation may share. Its a paradox I know, but I wonder about it. Of course I don't want to be considered common, I want to think that I have some how risen above some stereotype, but at the same time, I do not want to think that I am alone either. I have always been a "doer" and very self sufficient and strong, often blowing off "help" or even asking for it. I've noticed that I find it difficult to give myself over to relationship of any kind, I tend to hold something back and can be easily guarded and, I know that I lack respect for authority for authority sake. Does this come from a lack of "father" in my life and being surrounded by strong women, or is this just who I am? A question I have asked many times. I wonder about that and many other things.

I would like to find out if others have had a similar experience or possibly even different experiences. I get the sense that what my experience has been may be different from those who have had absent fathers and from those who have had abusive fathers. I have no idea what my experience of "father" would have been had he lived longer. I am basing my curiosity on the "normal", healthy father/daughter relationship, and then the effects of loss of father early in a daughter's life. I wonder if my experience is common in those circumstances. I have located some phenomenological research regarding father loss, and the effects on daughters, but it has been focused on those daughters whose fathers' have walked out or are purposefully absent (abandonment)...there is a trend toward anger and resentment and distrust toward the father (and often toward men in general) that colors the experience in those situations...my curiosity is focused differently. I could go on endlessly with the "what ifs" and not get any where, so I want to focus my interest on daughters who lost their fathers completely at a young age or never knew their fathers. In addition, I am interested in daughters who never had a step dad situation (which also mirrors my experience) or may have had a step dad situation much later. There is a definite window in development where I think this father/daughter dynamic is important. I have found research that suggests that fathers have a lifelong impact on their daughters, and I would like to explore this a little further.

I have noticed that those (male or female) who have lost their mother seem to be "missing" something in themselves and in their personality. There is just this "something" that is sad or cut off and very visible. But is it the same for those who have lost their fathers? Is mother loss stronger than father loss? More than likely it is, however, I get the sense that there is something there in terms of father loss too. What are the implications for daughters specifically?

Please e-mail me if you would like to be a part of this inquiry.

On Becoming a Therapist...or Not

2009-05-04T10:37:00.013-04:00

So the other night I was watching the show "In Treatment" and it came back to me why I am not a therapist. I can't be. Well, OK, I probably could be, but I think it wouldn't be the best career choice for me. I know that therapists are there to help clients see perspective on their ongoing struggles and serve as a guide through these struggles, intervene when necessary, provide support, etc. However, I knew this when I went back to grad school, and it became ever more dominant as I progressed through the program....I do not want to be a therapist. I think that those who can do this work, and do it with integrity, should be commended throughly... I toyed with the idea of actually "becoming" a therapist, but the passion for it was never there for me. I enjoy helping people, however, I know that I am far too empathic for that kind of work. Now let me clarify....that is not to say that therapists are not empathic, far from it for the most part. What I am saying though is that I know I would take in the work too much within myself. I think I would send too much energy to them in my work that I would then be drained. While watching the show "In Treatment" I find that feeling coming through on a smaller level than I have had in dealing with clients in the past...it's just there for me. If a TV show can do it, then I know working with clients on a day to day basis would definitely do it. I personally prefer other methods of "helping" than through therapy. I think I am more valuable in the field in other capacities.

While in graduate school, I took some classes in the therapy track. One problem that plagued me in particular in dealing with psychopathology for one, was what I saw as an arrogance in the field in general. Who am I, this imperfect human, to judge and "diagnose" someone else's experiences and struggles? Without "being" that person, how can I know? How can I sufficiently say, with authority that I can dispassionately "know" through a diagnoses what the best course of treatment would be, or to slap a label on someone else so confidently with the ensuing consequences? Having worked in the field I've seen it, and done it, a hundred times and it's always made me feel uneasy. Who am I to “diagnose” another individual’s experience or to even really gage what is best for them? The consequences of my professional opinion will be felt for possibly a lifetime and could and probably will even change a life or 2 for better or worse. I don’t want to dedicate my career to being that professional for anyone. It feels arrogant in some ways…even if it is approached humbly, the system itself has an arrogance about it. I don’t want the emotional drain, the economic confines of the HMO’s, Medicaid and the system at large, much less the accountability or responsibility for the well being of another individual. Doesn’t being a parent carry enough of that? Yes, it does. I don’t think I can take on anymore of that for a caseload of clients. I have enough of my own daily crap and stresses and responsibilities to balance and work through. Something in my life would definitely suffer if I chose the road of therapist. Doctors and therapists are typically in “practice”, and really isn’t’ that what it is, the practicing of an art?

Add to that the emotional drain. I often find that I put myself in the client's position all too often. I can't seem to separate myself from the struggles and perspective that I place myself in while working with them. I guess that makes me sensitive. I find that I fall prey to the common side effect of work in this field...pouring too much energy into my clients to help them, and leaving myself and my family with much less. The system itself is so very flawed too and that leaves me drained as well...but that is a discussion for another day. :)

At this point in time I have a deep desire to acquire more training and development, but lack the time or energy for yet another academic program, although it is always in the back of my mind. I know I don’t want the responsibility, or as an empath the emotional toll, work as a full time therapist would bring. I know that about myself. Another word is insecurity. There is an insecurity in “being” a therapist and “doing” therapy. Should I pursue such an additional collection of letters behind my name, as in EdS or PhD or PsyD, it would be to move ahead in a career and to have a bit more latitude in doing more of the work a position in the field would require, not for any deep desire to “do” therapy or “be” a therapist. I have felt that way for as long as I have been in the field in any capacity (going on 17 years). I struggled with it as I toyed with the licensing track while pursuing my M.A. Therapy in my experience, is most often utilized by those who have the self knowledge to seek it out and can afford it, or by those who are “strongly encouraged” by various institutions to undergo therapy through public means. However that does not translate into an easy path toward achieving relative mental health or self enlightenment for our clients, much less ourselves as practitioners. Which may explain why most therapists have a therapist. :)

All said, kudos to those who can work in the mental health field and work in it well, day in and day out.

I Am So Stupid!

2009-04-24T12:24:00.006-04:00

So this morning, my 11 year old was upset with herself for getting up late and missing out on part of her morning ritual. For her, as the youngest this morning ritual allows her some time to herself to get things done without interference from her sisters. I heard her say the words, "I'm so stupid!" and it really bothered me. I tried to do some damage control by telling her that she is not at all stupid, but some times we do things that make us unhappy with ourselves. I tried to remind her about choices, and that some times if we stay up too late (as she had done the night before), that we don't always feel like waking up when it's time and we miss out on the things that make our mornings run more smoothly. But to hear those words come out of her mouth, "I'm so stupid!" was for me like the sound of someone raking their fingernails down a chalk board.

I began to wonder, where did this negative self talk come from? I have never called any of my children stupid, ever...but I have called myself stupid, and that, I concluded was where she had picked up on this bad habit. I have said I hate myself, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, etc....many times over. I know better too...My 11 year old had simply reflected back to me something she had often heard me say to myself.

We are role models for our children, for better or worse, they are watching. What we say about ourselves & about others, as well as what we do all help shape what our children think about the world and how they think about themselves. Our attitudes all too often become their attitudes. It's so easy to fall into these and other bad habits, but having an awareness about them can perhaps helps us to stop and re-think what we say. Instead of "I'm so stupid", I am going to try to say something more positive, or at least a lot less negative. Maybe, "I can't believe I did that!".

After my daughter had said the words, "I'm so stupid!" I repeated back to her what I try to say when I hear any of my girls using negative self-talk, "You are not stupid at all hon, you made a mistake. Maybe you can learn from your mistake and try not to make the same one again." Yet, I know, this type of self talk is a habit, and it can take a long time for most habits to change. I try to encourage my children to use more positive forms of self-talk, but I have to also remember to change my own. Every time I hear a negative statement like that coming from daughters, it reminds me.

Our thoughts affect our actions and attitudes whether it is about ourselves, others or the world in general.

As the Buddha said, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”

Opening in the Silence

2009-04-14T15:55:00.009-04:00

So, I have attempted to create a blog many times. Always though, I end up staring blankly at the screen with nothing to really write. Maybe it's the "intention" that I want to write something that blocks me from actually finding the words. It's like putting a comedian on the spot with the request for him or her to say something funny.What inspired this renewal of interest for me with this latest round of blog attempts, was the inspiration I found while driving by myself in silence...just silence. I noticed on more than one occasion, that my thoughts would wander past the mundane items of the day and eventually open up. It was very relaxing for me, and in it's way a type of meditation. My days are filled to capacity with work, kids, what's for dinner, fulfilling everyone's needs but my own, things that need to get done, things I don't want to forget, e-mails to respond to, phone calls to return, etc. But in those rare moments of silence while driving or having my morning coffee, I have found time to daydream again, or to meditate or allow inspiration to happen.

I was driving home from an event that I manage every month in Atlanta for one of my clients, when I fully realized the power of silence in my life. For me silence is definitely a commodity right now. When the girls and I are out say, shopping for instance, I have to split my thoughts & my speech into about 4 or 5 different realms: why I am shopping in the first place, what girl #1 is saying, what girl #2 is saying & what girl #3 is saying. They all seem to want to talk to me or each other at once, and they all seem to be oblivious that anyone but themselves is talking. It can be maddening! I am usually half listening, nodding my head, giving out stock responses and the ever present parental question, "I don't know sweetie, what do you think?". The word "Yes" as a stock response has gotten me into trouble on too many occasions, so I don't use that one anymore, it has been replaced by "We'll see." But then comes the million dollar question, and it can come at any time from child 1,2 or 3 and it always knocks me back to the moment: "Mom! Are you even listening to me?"

I wrote the following as a journal entry, for one of my classes few years ago while I was in graduate school:

"My girls enjoy a wide variety of activities and when we are all back together at home they love to tell me about their day. I feel privileged that my children want to share their experiences with me, but to have 3 girls talking at once in excitement can be a stressful, mind numbing experience. So often after a long day of classes, driving everyone around, running errands and work, I just want to come home and spend some quiet time to unwind. I don’t want to hear the chatter of little girls, I want silence. However, when I stop and detach, I realize that I am getting just what I wanted! I wanted the girls to talk with me, I wanted to be there for them. Even when I can’t be there, I want to know what they experience, what they think, how they feel and share in their excitement, ideas, disappointment, funny moments and so on. I am getting exactly what I want. I remember so often my mother, through no fault of her own, being too busy to listen to me. I remember hearing, “Can we talk about this later?” only later I didn’t’ want to talk about it anymore. The moment was gone. Sometimes it can be difficult to give each daughter her time to talk with me and share everything they want to share in the moment. I am torn between wanting to hear it now and wanting to put them off in order to give each girl undivided time to tell me what is going on in their lives. Some days I do better than others. Invariably, I find myself smiling as I listen to their chatter even in my tired haze of trying to unwind and relax. I am happy to be the matriarch of our little world. I am hopeful that as they grow older I can continue to be there to listen to them and do my best to understand in a way that only mothers can."

Ever since I began this journey into motherhood, I have always understood the need for my own space and my own time, as well as intentional time alone with my significant other. Those things are a priority for me to keep things humming along in a healthy way. However, it really struck me today how much health giving value really does come from being alone & having silence, even if it's in small spans of time, like cat naps. Some of my best creative inspirations have come from these little snippets of quiet time to myself.

I am sure one day when my girls are grown and out of the house I will miss their chatter and all the excitement, and even the drama, of having this bubbly presence in my day to day world.

Am I angry?

2009-04-12T19:49:00.009-04:00

Last week I was attending an academic event on campus, when I ran into a friend of mine from grad school. I had not seen her in awhile, and as we were chatting she stopped me and said with surprise, "Are you angry?" I paused because her observation caught me off guard. I sat there for a second and I said, "Well, I don't think I'm angry." She went on to say that she heard it again when I spoke, that there was a hint of anger or "bitchiness" in my voice, but she also said it was a good thing & refreshing coming from me. She revealed that all through grad school (just 2 short years ago), which occurred while I was undergoing drastic and life changing upheavals in my personal life with the demise of my marriage, that I was always so calm and peaceful and "sweet". She said now I simply sound like I might have an edge, not bitterness, just a hardened edge & yes anger. I guess this is what happens when you meet up with someone who is as well trained & educated in the same field as you are...you get called out...as they say, you can't play a player...

Later I reflected on what my friend had observed. She was right, of course I am angry. I didn't at all plan to be single again, especially right now. A 40 year old woman raising 3 girls by herself is not exactly a winning package for most men, or most employers (I learned that rather soon after "it all went down"). My prospects for career advancement & a partner to grow old with for this chapter of my life are slim. With all the balls I have in the air, I do not have the time or energy, much less the desire, to "date" again, yet I don't want to grow old alone either. I see what is left of my relative youth slipping away, with the knowledge that when it does, from where I sit right now, I am not even close to being "retirement ready" financially or otherwise. While I have gained wisdom, perspective & a strength I didn't know I had, and have grown closer to my girls than I probably would have otherwise...it has also hardened me, and I have to admit given me a feeling of being very limited. It almost feels like a prison sentence, but I know only if I let become one....some days, I don't see an unlocked doorway...other days I see limitless possibilities...realistic possibilities? Maybe.

I have 3 daughters who are old enough to know what they have been through & perfectly able to allow the experiences (and lack thereof) with their father to color & jade their personalities & future relationships. Experiences that I have to try to soften and infuse with wisdom. Not having grown up with a father myself (he passed away when I was 4), I want so badly for my girls to have what I felt I missed. I am going from sharing the load (in theory perhaps), and working only part time, to really shouldering ALL of the load & almost completely supporting my family & a household. I am trying to have a "fulfilling life" and also get ahead in my career or at least make more money and rise above being one paycheck away from disaster, somehow some way...yet I end up finding & taking work that will pay "enough to get by on", but perhaps not quite worthy of the skills and education I have to offer, although allowing me some small degree of flexibility. My ultimate goal though, is to find a career that is economically & personally fulfilling, and also allows me the flexibility to be there for my girls. While most of my friends are settled, seemingly "happy" or at least content, making 2 or 3 times what I make, and are fairly set toward the ever encroaching retirement years...I am starting over almost completely....I used to think it was an opportunity to find myself again, to start a new chapter and re-create myself...as reality sets in though, now most days it's become more oppressive than freeing, more pressure than pleasure...

I had an inkling, but no real idea of the stigmas that are out there toward single moms, divorced moms and divorced women in general. It's as if something is wrong with you, that you must be flawed if you can't keep a man, or some perception equally as ridiculous. In addition, it's common knowledge that moms, but single moms in particular, are usually spread way too thin and probably cannot give 100% to the task whether it is in a career or a relationship. My former boss (who was a woman and a mother) repeatedly & openly chided me for my position in life as a single, divorced mother. I come into relationship with that baggage, I am a package deal, and it's not a small package. Now I have to add age in with that as well. Despite the fact that I still look relatively young for my age, I am healthy & in shape and my attitude is considered to be youthful (all of which I am thankful for), the fact remains that I am over 40. I receive newsletters from career search firms advising me "how to interview young" to get the job. Often we are advised to play down any experience over 10 years old in order to not come across as "old", to revise our resumes to not include the year we graduated from college if it was over 10 or 15 years ago, how to work effectively with a boss who is much younger than you are, etc. Many who are being laid off during the current economic meltdown are over 40 and taking whatever work they can find.

I feel lucky to have what I have, no doubt, but some days it is easy to think about what I don't have anymore. Those are my bad days, and I try not to have too many of those. It can be a bit overwhelming to have to think about all of these things and yet not think about them so that I can continue to do my best, but it's what I have to do right? Giving up is not an option.

So am I angry? Yeah, I guess I am. I'm pissed that I have to do all of this alone, it's huge & it isn't what I signed up for. I'm ticked that I work twice as hard as I used to, but struggle harder than ever. I am exhausted on every level, but I get up every day and do what I do for myself & my girls, no questions asked. I am balancing so much, while trying very hard to limit the impact of our situation on my girls. Some days I think I am dealing with it better than others. The day I ran into my friend, I thought I was just fine, in fact I was happy to be where I was & I felt like I was in a pretty good mood overall....but there it was, that anger in my tone...that edge that my friend caught. One thing is for sure, I won't give up, I won't let this jade me...I think I'll always remain optimistic in my core...but some days it DOES seem hopeless...other days I dream of starting over some where completely new...the West Coast? New Zealand? Would those places open up opportunity? Or would they just be a new location, far removed from my friends & family & support system, but with the same limitations...the same prison in a new place?

Does all of this sound like I am whining or bitching? Maybe I am, maybe I have no reason at all to complain, I do have a lot more than some people have and I am thankful for that every day, yet there is this pervading sense of pressure and spinning of wheels. Maybe it's asking too much to want more for my life, but I honestly don't think it is.

I know it's a cliche, and I'll apologize in advance for it, but as Scarlet O'Hara famously said, "Tomorrow is another day." What's next remains to be seen...until then I'll keep on keepin on....